Well Pleased

“This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased.”

These words ring with the tone of a loving Father, one who has no reserves in His love for His son. Of course, we know these are the words of God to Jesus His son and of course we know He loves him. The display of love that God gave to Jesus is magnificent, the heavens open and God audibly declares His fatherhood and Christ’s sonship. To imagine hearing that with our own ears... how magnificent!

But, we don’t believe it. Not fully at least, because with each doubt about God’s love for us we doubt His love for the Son. God has always been pleased with Jesus why did He need to say it? Why did He need to say it audibly?
  For us. 
When God said these words to Jesus it was not the beginning of the plan for salvation. That plan was set before time began. It wasn’t the beginning of God’s pleasure in Jesus... that is eternal. But what the ears of those present could not yet grasp was that these words were meant for them as well. They are meant for us. 

This display of love was amazing, but the display of love of Christ on the cross trumps even this. The display of love and power at the resurrection of Christ proves the depth of God’s affection for mankind. God loves Jesus, for Jesus deserves that love. But the fact that God loves us, even when we do not deserve it... that is powerful. And when God spoke these words, for mankind to hear for the first time, He also knew that he would be speaking them over and over again to every son and daughter who has faith in His Son.

Do we fully believe that God is pleased with us? Do we completely trust that we are His beloved? Jesus deserved to be called these things, we did not. And yet, He still calls out to us as His beloved. He still claims us as His daughters and sons. Let us not doubt His love for us because it is not dependent upon our fragile human ability. It is simply dependent upon God’s love for His Son and that love is eternal.

God, with us?

The Gospel of Matthew begins the whirlwind of fulfilled prophecy in the form of Jesus Christ. The pages that lead up to this book are filled with expectation, sinful desires, longing for freedom, and God’s broken heart over mankind. They are mixed with struggles of sin and His Grace. His righteous judgement constantly collides with His mercy. It is too much for us to fathom because we are post-salvation. But in Matthew 1, the author gives us a glimpse of how amazing this God-man actually is. God’s judgement had to be satisfied, not because He’s evil, but because He is perfect. And the only way to satisfy His judgement was to send Himself.

The angel gives Joseph the name of this child which is not his own. This child that had been there at the beginning of the world (Genesis 1:26). “Call his name, Jesus...”  This name is the Greek for Joshua which means “The LORD saves”. And it is vital that this name is mentioned first for without His salvation we could not enjoy the next name of Jesus.

Immanuel, God with us. We know what this word is. We sing it at Christmas, it hangs on our walls in the form of paintings, it brings a sense of love and comfort. But without Jesus, God with US is too heavy to bear. We’ve lost the sense of awe at God’s perfection. This same God who is with us, is the God whose glory was too much for Moses to glance at.. This is the same God whose presence killed 70 people because they simply looked into the ark of the Lord. God... with us? That’s terrifying.

BUT, because we have this Salvation, because we have Jesus, God with us becomes heaven on earth. Jesus is the perfect mixture of salvation and justice. He is truth and grace. Let’s not forget how beautiful and terrifying Immanuel is. But let us also praise the Father for saving us from His unfathomable judgement through Jesus Christ.

Psalm 121

Psalm 121

The Psalmist here begins by looking out ahead to the mountains in the distance. Many scholars have differing opinions on what exactly the mountains represent. Could it be the altars of gods known as the “high places” or maybe it’s a reference to Zion? Whichever the Psalmist was envisioning, one thing is for certain, as he looks ahead into the unknown and questions arise as to His help and safety, He sees Yahweh. He sees “I AM THAT I AM” in His distance (v.1). His goal is set, and it is Yahweh Himself. But the beauty of this Psalm is not just in the walking into His presence in the future, but He is also under our feet as the sure foundation (v.3), beside us covering us from the calamities of this cruel world (v.5), alert for us when we are not (v.4), and with us forever from the onset of our journey until the end (v.8). He is pictured here is our guardian and watchman that never sleeps and He promises 3 times (v.7-8) that He will protect or keep us. This trinity of promises should point our anxious hearts and concerns to the ever-present trinity that is Himself. Our sight, as we look to the looming mountains or troubles of this life, should be quickly turned to our true Help and Keeper. The Great I AM is with us always, from now until forever. 

Unfathomable Love

Ephesians 3:14-21

Once we are overcome with His unending mercy (v. 4-10) we then sink into an unfathomable love. Paul explains to the Ephesians here that we need to be rooted and grounded in love. How can we do that? How do I stay rooted in love? Only through staying connected to HIM, the creator of Love itself. The way he describes God’s love is a knowable love that surpasses knowledge. How can I know an unknowable thing? This is the beauty of the love of God the Father, Son, and Spirit; there is always more of His love to be known. At that precise moment that I feel an overwhelming sense of His love, I’ve reached a new knowledge of it, but that will not be the last time. I will learn more and more of His love in new ways and I will know Him more and better through those moments. Paul says that through His power we will be given “strength to comprehend… the breadth and length and height and depth” of His love. There is not one area of the universe that His love cannot reach. When I’m at the highest heights, His love will be there. When I have fallen into the depths of sorrow are, His love will be there. When I look to the right or to the left, to the deserts or to the places that I think His love hasn’t reached, His love will be there. And in all of these places I know more of this never-ending love. In the depths I see new pieces to His love that I would not have known on the heights of easy times. In the farthest places that are so foreign and nowhere near comfort, I am held fast in a new corner of His love that I haven’t traversed thus far. It doesn’t end when I finally think I’ve reached the “end” of His love. No, it’s in that moment where I realize I have only just begun to glimpse this eternal love that is not bound by time, space, or location.

Heavy Burdens and Hard Yokes

I lay there wide awake for two hours in the early morning feeling so exhausted mulling over all of the thoughts in my head. There is this burden that I can’t seem to shake and this fear that creeps in through so many ways. This isn’t the first night but instead just one night in a long series of wide-awake struggling with the Lord. It isn’t a struggle of anger nor one of disappointment in who He is, because in those moments I know how good He is and how gracious He is. This is a struggle between my flesh and His Spirit. It’s a million questions bottled into one huge “is this all worth it?” moment.

Of course I know He is worth all the sleepless nights, battles with culture, struggles with sin and my own flesh. But as I look ahead and look behind I feel overcome with anxiety and fear. The past year was one of stretching, pruning, growing, and learning. Yes, I had fun and laughed a lot. But I also walked through some of the most terrifying and dark moments of my life. I’m not here to compare my life with anyone else’s or say that my life experience is harder than another’s I’m simply here to be honest with what is swirling around in my heart. I think God desires honesty amongst His saints. When our vulnerability and reality collide with His goodness and immeasurable grace the world glimpses His glory amidst our mess.

So what do we do when the honest reality seems to completely bury his goodness? What is our response when the burden he promised would be light seems to weigh heavier than we could imagine? Why does this easy yoke seem to be choking the life out of me? Where is this rest? (Matthew 11:28-30)

It’s in those moments that we lean in even deeper to the cross He has asked each of us to carry. We look at the burden and declare that His grace is enough to carry it all. We relinquish the expectation that we’ve put on ourselves to figure out why this season is hard and remember the desert is a place that even He walked through. We open His word and let it push back the darkness in our heart and confusion in our minds. We echo the Psalmist as he says “Trouble and anguish have found me out, but your commandments are my delight.” (Psalm 119:143, emphasis added.)

So I choose, in those moments of fear and confusion, to not make this desert experience longer by complaining or questioning; instead, I recognize His pruning as a sign that He has work to do within me so that I can display His love better. I share with Him in suffering because He is sharing with me the glory of His father. And I cling to His love-everlasting which has rescued me time after time.

Unending Mercy

Ephesians 2: 4-10

These 6 verses contain some of the greatest glimpses into God's grace and mercy that we could spend our whole life dissecting them and still never reach the boundary of what is contained within. The vastness and wealth of God’s mercy is at the forefront of Paul’s words here to the church in Ephesus. His mercy and immeasurable grace stand in appalling contrast to our sinful and rotting flesh (v.4-5) and remind us of where we have come from. “BUT GOD,” is the only way by which we can remove our eyes from our lowly sinful state and see that God himself has chosen and called and placed us in the heavenly places right next to Himself. It is here that we glimpse this glory which we as saints look forward to but it is also the glory that we have the chance to live in right now. Yet, if we read these verses and think, if only for a second, that any of His mercy and grace was bestowed upon us because of something good within ourselves then we have missed the entire point. He lavishes His unending mercy because of HIS GOODNESS. If we had any good in us, if only just a drop, we would not need immeasurable grace. However, because of our immeasurable depravity we are able to experience a grace that never depletes and that our depravity can never run dry. At the end of creation as we know it, His storehouse of grace will be just as full as in the beginning, it is immeasurable. There is not one saint in time’s past that has ever reached the limit of God’s grace. Every new second of our lives as daughters and sons contains just as much grace as in that first moment where we were transferred from the domain of darkness into His glorious light (Colossians 2:13). Grace upon Grace.

For my Mom

My mother is joyful.

Peaceful. 

Exciting. 

Strong-willed. 

Courageous. 

Bold. 

Humble. 

Patient. 

VERY patient. 

She is gentle and kind.

She gives discipline when I don't think I deserve it, and GRACE when I know I don't deserve it. 

She shows me how to be fearless. 

She shows me how to love Jesus above all else. 

She shows me how to love when I don't want to, and forgive when I don't think I have to. 

She cries with me when I'm hurt and laughs with me when I do something silly.

She teaches me to cook and clean so that one day I can do the same for my children.

She wakes up early to work and goes to bed late to make sure everything is ready for the next day. 

She loves with no restrictions and forgives with no regrets. 

My mother is my role model, confidant, stronghold, and friend. 

She is the one I look to for guidance.

She praises me when I do good, and pushes me to do better when I mess up.

She shows me that life is not about winning or being the best, but about loving every second along the way. 

But the greatest thing about her is that she makes me want to love Jesus more. 

Everything she does pushes me to be a better Christian, daughter, servant, sister, and friend.

Today and everyday I am thankful for her. I love you Mom.

Called

He has not called me to be a "missionary". Nor has He called me to save. When did I begin to insert my simple, sinful self into His place? When did I become powerful enough, Holy enough, gracious enough to do either of those? Jesus has simply called me to know Him deeper, to follow Him through dark wilderness and abundant goodness. I am not special or more gifted than the rest because of my geographical location. My flesh doesn't desire to say "yes" to Him and it isn't a natural thing for me to follow Him. But it is only through the constant emptying of myself that I might find more of Him and allow His Spirit to fill me up with something new altogether. New desires, new endurance, a new heart. The emptying hurts, I feel all of my unholy desires slipping through the cracks of my heart, begging to stay a little longer. But my whole being knows that this is best, He is best. Wherever I am in this world, and wherever you are, no matter the location of our physical body or even the location of our emotions, we find our true calling in nothing except knowing Him more. Seeing His glory. Experiencing His goodness. 


I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being. - Ephesians 3:16

Punished Not Punished

Jeremiah 30:11 “For I am with you to save you declares the LORD… I will discipline you in just measure, and I will by no means leave you unpunished.”

The Hebrew for “leave you unpunished” is two-fold. Simply put God is saying they will be “punished not punished” through His salvation. The first part of this verse offers the Hope that leads into the second part which is the Promise. There is no easy means of salvation. The preposterous though of a painless salvation makes light of the immense evil which is sin. We think it is avoidable, this harsh punishment, but God clearly states that judgement is not. His first response to sin in the garden was to kill an animal, to shed blood; so, why should it be any easier after so many generations of sin? There is no easy (or unpunished) way of salvation! Yet, there is grace (30:11a). It is through this grace which we were “punished not punished” by way of the death of His Son. The punishment of Himself was in the most horrific and ghastly way known to mankind at that time in order that our punishment would rest upon His perfect shoulders. The way to salvation was not easy, but the way of grace is! Praise God that he took our punishment! However, we are called to remember our state as “punished not punished” as “sinner yet saved”. We deserve full punishment, BUT He is with us to save us! Praise HIM!

A Grieved God

Jeremiah, known as the weeping prophet, declares through his life the grief of a God that had been forsaken by His own people. How does a human being declare the grief of a perfect God? Through trials, persecution, and constant sorrow in Jeremiah’s life we as readers catch a glimpse of the anguish in God’s heart as He watches the people run away from Him. 

This man, whom God had chosen to be his mouthpiece to a lost and backsliding people of God, was not unlike many of us. His personality was contrary to this task that God had called him to (Jeremiah 11:19) and many times Jeremiah questioned God and even cursed the day of his birth (Jeremiah 20:14). Maybe we haven’t all reached a point of cursing the day we were born, but I have felt the substantial weight of the task that we are called to as Christians and it terrifies me. How am I, a sinful wreck of a girl, supposed to love others unconditionally and fight through the copious amounts of darkness that surround me? Why did God think I was capable for this task and how do I push forward when all that is within me cries to fall back? 

In the country that I live darkness is every where; yet, it is not seen as darkness. The lost practically accept their lostness with joy and whenever truth is shared they run from it. The people that Jeremiah spoke to did have a concept of the Almighty God and who He was, but these people that I live next to, work with, and laugh with have no notion of the Savior.  It feels like a losing battle. 

When I share, it is rejected. 

When He seems to convict the heart of people, they run from it and ignore His call of salvation. 

My heart is in pieces most days because I feel as if I haven’t done enough, or that I’ve done it all wrong. I question God, not in doubt, but in sincerity seeking to know why He called me to this field. His Son said that the fields were white for harvest, yet this place feels like it is in a perpetual famine. Why? Why Lord? He understands my grief. He grieves himself for the hearts of His beloved creation. The different is that he doesn’t grieve from lacking the ability to save. God is not lacking in might or power. He grieves because of the blatant disobedience of those who have believed in His word and keep quiet. He is grieved because there are so few workers. The grief he feels will never compare to the sorrow we experience. 

A sob story is not what anyone needs, and this is not that. But it is a call for the church to fight. A fight which is fought from our knees, instead of picking up our swords, and beg the Father “who makes things grow” to move in the fields of Japan (1 Corinthians 3:7). 

It is a call to hope, even when hope seems ridiculous. It is a call to praise Him, even after the questions like Jeremiah did (Jeremiah 20:13). 

It is a call to remember that His ways will never be understood by our feeble and temporal minds.
A call to recognize that our grief will never be compared to His as he watches his creation day after day step into an eternity without Him.

But it is also a call to share boldly, love wildly, and trust endlessly in His goodness and grace. 

Jeremiah’s heart was for His King and his King’s heart was grieving for the souls of His creation. And so, when the questions abounded and the response to Jeremiah’s call to repentance was a roaring mockery he plowed on (Jer. 20:1-2). Because He trusted that the one who had called Him would equip and His words which were faithful and true would never fail. 

When I Left: Part 4

4…

My flight was extremely long (about 15 hours) but I slept a little. I just remember thinking, “Focus on right now. Do not think about anything past right now.” When I made it to Japan I remember all the thoughts that tried to enter my mind, such as: 

You have 764 days left...

You can’t do this...

Your luggage is too much...

You’ve hurt your family...

They’ll never be the same... 

You’ll miss so much...

But as soon as any of those thoughts would enter I would just beg the Lord to take them away and I would repeat “don’t worry about tomorrow... only right now. I trust you Jesus, you are worth it.” I don’t know how many times I repeated that in my head... too many to even count, it was constantly flowing through my mind. 

When it came time to grab my luggage, no one helped me (sadly) but I pulled those 50lb. bags off of that thing that goes around and around (not sure of the technical name) and went through customs, still barely able to see over my luggage on the cart. As I came out my Team Leaders (who would quickly become my family) met me and hugged me. Tara said “welcome home sweet girl we love you and are so happy you’re here.” The next few moments consisted of getting my luggage to their car and finally just breathing in the air of this country that was now my home. I was too tired to process anything else... I think I fell asleep in the car but I honestly don’t remember. My team leaders told me that I could stay at their house for that first night if I wanted to, but I knew that if I didn’t go to my apartment and stay alone that first night I would never want to stay alone. And I knew that I would eventually need to have a hard moment of realization that this was my place. And I was here for good. When I pulled up to the apartment it looked so foreign. Nothing felt familiar. I walked into this place that was simply one small room... my leaders showed me how to turn my shower on, flush my toilet, and helped me to unpack my “bed”. All of those seem like things a semi-smart human should be able to figure out... but as I said, EVERYTHING was foreign. Even the bathroom... we realized I didn’t actually have a bed I only had a blanket which I wound up using as my bed for the first two weeks before I gave in and purchased a memory foam mattress cover which I folded up to make a small bed... 

*I used a beach towel that night as my blanket... actually I used that towel for the first 2 months as my blanket. All of those things just kind of happened, not because I wasn’t being taken care of, it just was the way things went for a bit. I didn’t even think twice about it. It was kind of like getting on that plane. I knew I had to do it and so I did... and he helped me through. I laughed about it all mostly because I thought it was kind of funny to sleep on the floor with a beach towel as a blanket.. YOLO. *

I finally took a shower after my team left my apartment... a cold one, because I didn’t have hot water for the first several days. And went to bed. I fell asleep for a few hours and woke up around 1am terrified. The enemy always attacks when we are weak, and for me that’s at nighttime. I woke up and thought “There’s no way I can do this, I can’t even make it through my first night.” So, I called one of my friends who was also about to leave for the field. She told me “Each new second will be easier. This is the hardest part so just remember that you never have to go back to it.” It wasn’t until that moment that I finally let myself cry... really cry. All of the feelings of excitement and fear, turmoil and triumph, I let it all out. And when I closed my eyes I saw my parent’s faces and heard my sister’s words over and over again... The next morning I woke up and began my new life only having two goals for the first several weeks 1) find something positive in the morning and 2) find something positive in the evening. My quiet times with the Lord were what pushed me through each day and the Lord met me there on that futon in the tiny apartment. The place I was so terrified of (being alone) became my altar where I had to deny myself over and over again to experience the filling of His Spirit and the immensity of His peace. 

As I sit here now I’m surrounded by friends, who are now family, as we study and worship together. It’s home now and all of those hard moments were worth it, I wouldn’t trade them for anything because Christ became my all in all. He walked with me and spoke to me and comforted me in ways that I had never experienced before. 

When I Left: Part 3

3…

My flight was very early the next morning and I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to sleep... but His grace was sufficient once again and I slept for a couple of hours. When my alarm went off my stomach was in knots but I just begged the Lord to carry me, to literally make my feet move... and He did. I walked out of my house, not thinking about how long it would be before I walked back through that door again, I knew those thoughts weren’t healthy and I didn’t have time for them. I could only handle one second at a time. On the ride down to the airport my family and I didn’t say much. I just kept trying to reassure them that I was ok. There are lots of logistical things that are a part of traveling and my mind just went into “airplane” mode as I tried to make sure I had everything I needed. It’s a little different when you have to pack to literally move your life overseas instead of just a quick trip... I wouldn’t be near a Walmart for quite some time and I knew I needed to make sure I had everything I needed. 

This part is probably the hardest to write... because it’s contains all of my fears bottled up into several moments that I am happy to never have to re-live. Don’t get me wrong, I learned a lot, but I don’t ever want to feel that way again. 

When we arrived at the airport I walked to the counter with my cart of luggage that was literally too big for me to see over the top and checked in... as I grabbed that ticket I realized it was one-way.  

“Destination is Tokyo, correct?” 

“Yes.”

“How long?” 

I turned to look at my dad, as if He could swoop in and fix this fear that I felt and the knot grew bigger in my stomach “Umm... two years. I’m actually moving there.” 

I got my ticket and we sat on some benches for just a bit when I realized I didn’t want to sit there for long... it hurt too much to draw it out. I hadn’t cried... and I wouldn’t. Not until many hours after I arrived to Japan, not until I was alone and I was sure my grief wouldn’t hurt anyone else. But the hardest part about leaving was made real as I hugged my mom goodbye. She could hardly look at me as I walked to give her a hug right before I went through security. Nothing was said except a simple “I love you” and she hugged me and walked away, out of sight. 

There aren’t words to describe the way it feels knowing that my choices, no matter how honorable, are hurting the ones I love. I told her I loved her right before she walked away and I hugged my sister, she was strong as she held me, and told me “you can do this.” Finally, I walked towards security with my dad… he walked with me every step that he could and he hugged me as tight as he always has. I knew that where he had to let go of my hand, my Heavenly Father would have to grab ahold of it and lead me the rest of the way. I still didn’t cry, because I knew that if I started it would hurt my family even more. I looked back one last time to see my dad standing there to ensure that I made it through TSA safely and without any issues. I didn’t see my mom, I knew it was too hard for her to watch me walk away. My team leader told me before I left, “Christ will protect those that are effected by your obedience, you are only called to obey.” I was clinging to the fact that he would protect me as he carried my parents and sister as well. 

 I was always afraid to leave my family... even when I would travel for a week or two I was afraid of taking off. I thought that by leaving them behind I was showing that I didn’t care enough to stay. And now, I wasn’t just going on a short trip, I was asking them to let me go for two years. My fears of hurting them came true... this was painful for them, more than I could probably realize. But it was happening and Christ had asked us, called us, to live through these moments. 

I made it through security and bought a bagel as I sat there by the window and watched the sun rise. Which is usually one of my favorite things to do. I would wake up before the sun most mornings back home just so I could enjoy that quiet moment with Jesus before the world woke up. But I remember thinking I didn’t want the sun to rise on this day, it was one that I just wanted to skip altogether. I didn’t actually eat, it was just something natural for me to do, something to make this weird moment feel “normal.” I text my parents as soon as I made it through security to check on them. They told me that Christ was comforting them just as he was me. But His comfort doesn’t necessarily take the pain away, his comfort just became bigger than the fear. The panic and turmoil in my spirit simply brought me deeper into His peace. These moments revealed to me where my hope was and now it could be in nothing except Him because He was all I had. As the flight boarded my feet just kept moving, I expected at any moment for them to simply stop, but miraculously the Lord carried me through. He knew I needed some humor in my day and so in the Atlanta airport my carry-on luggage was accidentally knocked down an escalator and rolled the entire way down ultimately almost hitting a man at the bottom... I laughed, something I didn’t think would happen that day! But I’m thankful for that which brought a little bit of “funny” into this horribly long and tiring day. 

When I left: Part 2

2…
After the 7 weeks I came home for two weeks to pack, prepare, and soak up every second with my family. What I didn’t know is that for the first week of my “break” at home my family was planning a surprise party and so lots of times it seemed as if they were too busy to just spend time with me. But I’m thankful for that special gift they gave me because I was able to tell everyone I loved “goodbye.”

Many people say “This isn’t goodbye, this is just see you soon!” And while that may be comforting to say... I felt the weight of each goodbye as it came out of my mouth. Every time I said it, my heart broke just a little bit more. Yet, even in those hard goodbyes, I felt Christ’s peace. He didn’t “stitch up” my broken heart... because the pain I felt with each time I said that hard word showed me how many people God gave me the opportunity to love. Instead He simply held me in His arms... broken heart and all.

After that event was over I was able to spend more time with my family and those closest to me. I had lunch with my mom while running errands, spent time with my dad as we talked on the back porch, and enjoyed every moment with my sister that I possibly could. I soaked in every last sunset and all of the green grass that surrounded me... because I knew those two things would be harder to find in my new city.

My last Wednesday at church hurt more than I imagined and as I said goodbye to the people that literally changed the course of my life I felt like God was asking too much. I hugged a lady who I felt cared about me as much as her own daughter, Mrs. Karen Matthews.. and I cried into her shoulder saying over and over again “This is too hard. It hurts too much.” And she just hugged me even tighter as I spoke the words I hadn’t been willing to say. I felt like if I said “I can’t do this” it would mean that I wouldn’t do it... but that wasn’t true. I honestly could not do this... Christ would HAVE to do it for me. I had no faith in myself but only in Him. I was not sufficient for this job but He would prove Himself true and equip me to do the work that He had called me to do. As I walked away from that church and tears rolled down my face, Taylor (my pastor’s wife), Brittany (my closest friend), and two kids from my kid’s ministry followed me out. They stopped me before I got into my car and prayed over me... it gave me the courage I needed to get into my car and drive home from the Matthews community of Laurel, Mississippi one last time. I cried the whole way home, praising God for all that he had given me through serving at that church and questioning why I had to leave. I realized that faith and fear weren’t necessarily enemies. My fear was growing my faith, I just had to choose which would rule in my mind and heart.

The next day was my last day at home. I finished packing with each movement feeling robotic as I was checking things off of my to-do list and packing my life away for the next two years. It felt as if someone was forcing me to keep going. Now I know that Christ was protecting my mind from thinking too much and instead He just helped me to function as normal as possible that last day at home. I expected to totally freak out and end up locking myself in my room refusing to leave my home... but that never happened. It was only by His grace. As I looked at those two duffel bags, a backpack, and two pieces of luggage I just remember thinking “How on earth will I get this through security all by myself?” But Christ would prove sufficient even in that. The last night at home my dad and I made fried shrimp (my favorite) and we had dinner with my pastor and his wife... it was calm, quiet, and just what my heart needed.

When I Left... Part 1

1..

I guess it’s taken me 8 months to write these words because even now my stomach turns when I think about that day… the day that I left America. The emotions are still fresh, even after so much time has passed since that morning. When I think about the days leading up to my departure it’s as if they happened just yesterday. I knew that the moment was coming, I knew for over a year that I would be leaving. But preparation can only go so far... when the reality of the moment I had been preparing for finally came I didn’t know how to process it all or how to act. Each new moment was a new lesson learned and a fresh picture of God’s grace and mercy. This may have to be posted in segments because I’m remembering as I go, and there’s so much that God taught me that I don’t want to forget it all. 

I knew how it felt to leave and how merciless goodbyes can be. It was hard when I had to leave my family, church family, and friends for my 7 weeks of training. Looking back, 7 weeks seemed like an eternity but now 7 weeks seems like one second. I won’t say much about the training for safety reasons but God taught me so much about my heart and my life and what I expected/didn’t expect to happen over the next two years. One of the most memorable points was a small amount of time that almost defined all of my scary moments over the next two years. 

I was in a seminar when all of a sudden I felt extremely dizzy and I couldn’t control my own thoughts or breathing. I felt like I was having some sort of out of body experience and had the feeling that I was about to pass out. I walked out of the classroom and found a bench outside so that I could breathe for a bit and figure out what was going on. My friend came out to see what was wrong and sat there with me. I realized as she asked if I was ok that I could barely breathe and I was slowly starting to panic. I don’t think I was having a panic attack, I was simply on the verge peering at one. I could have let myself fall into it and allow the fear to overcome me as I drowned in this sea of unknown, but as I sat there I realized that I had a choice to make: I could choose to let the panic nestle its way into my mind and take over pieces which I had never allowed panic to control OR I could shut it down before it ever entered. Obviously, the choice seems easy, but in that moment I felt as if it would be easier to just let the panic overtake me… I was too tired to fight it. Thankfully, my friend was there to walk with me through that moment. She prayed over me and told me something I will never forget, “Meghan, remember that you have not always felt this way and you will not continue to feel this way. It will not stay.” I sat there in my fear for a bit… thinking about what I was leaving behind. I allowed the thoughts to come…

“What if I hate it?”

“Why do I have to go alone?”

“Why do I need to go?”

“I won’t last…”

But I didn’t let them stay. My friend was there with me thankfully, but I’ve never felt the Holy Spirit more tangible than in that moment. I knew without a doubt that even in this scary place He was there with me. The moment didn’t define me… or at least not how the enemy intended. Instead it showed me what diddefine me… and that was Christ’s freedom. The release from panic wasn’t immediate I had to walk through it to know that I could overcome this emotion. But I’m thankful for it because that same feeling would come to visit several more times on this journey… but I knew it wouldn’t, and couldn’t, stay. 

Guilt-Free Joy

Sometimes I feel guilty. It’s an odd thing to feel guilt about such a good thing... Joy. 

Recently I’ve found more joy in Jesus and who He is. I’ve experienced great joy in this place that He has planted me and with the people he has put into my life. I’ve had experiences and adventures and simple moments that have almost brought tears to my eyes because I could hardly express my joy. And yet I feel guilty? 

But tonight, as I was walking back from an event with over 100 college students that we have been attending I heard God speak to my guilt. He told it to flee and hide because it was not accepted in this place of joy. This joy has come from the Father of Heavenly lights and there is no wrong in it, there is nothing to doubt or feel guilty about. This joy comes from a place deep within my heart that I didn’t even know existed until Christ opened it up and set that joy free. It’s a special thing to be loved and led by a Savior who delights to give us joy. And it’s even more special when we are able to share that joy with others! 

Don’t get me wrong, life is not perfect. And the enemy tries daily to steal, kill, and destroy all that is going well around me. But Christ has already won and my strength comes from His joy. 

So instead of going to bed guilty of this joy that I have, tonight I will sleep with a thankful and joyous heart. Because Christ has chosen me, called me, equipped me, and saved me. How amazing!! 

Where Is Your Victory

Tonight, thousands of years ago, Jesus Christ was dead inside of a tomb. This night was one that many of His followers didn’t believe would actually happen. This night was one of utter darkness.

The enemy was smiling, content with what he thought he had accomplished. The spirits in the realm of darkness could rest, God was dead. They now ruled.

What a dark night. What a night full of hopelessness and fear. Every moment brought about more dread and loneliness for those who had trusted in this man whom they thought would save them. But he was gone.

As I sit here, in this land of barely any believers of Jesus, I sense that dread. I can see it in the eyes of the people here in this country. I notice the hopelessness and fear and loneliness that lies just under the surface, locked away in their hiding place of choice. It’s easy to feel as if the enemy truly did win that night. I’m always one or two thoughts away from saying “there’s really no hope for this land.” Satan seems to have truly won here.

But I know how the story ends.
I know that God truly is not dead.
I know that the spirits in the realm of darkness didn’t rest for long because the God-man was not in that tomb for long and when he walked out all of hell was filled with fear. Because they knew their chance to actually win was forever gone.

Christ died on this night, many years ago, and on this night in Japan there are many that don’t know that he died for them. But we know how it ends. We are promised that ALL nations will be around the throne praising the nail-scarred, risen Savior for all of eternity. All nations, including this one that I’m in right now. So although the night may seem dark, the work may be slow, and the enemy may have many strongholds here... Jesus Christ has already risen and has already won. Death has no victory. Death died on that cross and now Hope lives on, now and for eternity.

This Girl

She’s steady, this girl, never wavering on what she believes and always strong in standing up for truth. 

She’s compassionate, this girl, seeing the needs of those around her and acting without questioning whether she will receive something in return. 

She’s dedicated, this girl, forging ahead to reach her goal and never looking back. 

She’s creative, this girl, using that innate likeness she received from her Creator to design and mold beautiful things and ideas. 

She’s brave, this girl, always ready to try the thing that’s never been done. 

She’s wise, this girl, offering advice beyond what her age should know.

She’s not a girl anymore, this woman.... my sister. She has laughed with me and pushed me forward when I thought my feet could not take another step. She has cried with me and prayed for me. She has shown me what it means to be fearless and independent and spontaneous. She’s the one that I prayed for as a little girl, begging God to give me a sister. And in God’s gracious way he gave me more than I could ever ask for or imagine. 

On her day of graduating from high school and stepping out into this next season, although I can’t be there, I bow before the throne and offer her up to our Savior. I pray that His plans for her are good, as he has promised, and that He will receive glory through them. I pray that he gives her joy and that the desires of her heart will reflect his own and that they will be filled. I pray that He gives her success in her dreams and allows her to accomplish all of her goals. I pray that he protects, guides, and covers her in every step for the rest of her life. 

I love you Hannah Bethany. 

Content

I lay there in the quiet the other night trying to think of what I could be, should be, worried about. Maybe I should worry about the “friends” I’ve lost here in this country because of the gospel. Or maybe I should mourn the fact that we seem to take one step forward and twenty steps back with this culture. I should probably be concerned about my physical health or even about the fact that I haven’t seen my family in... how many months now? But I wasn’t able to conjure up the worry and fear. Something else has replaced that natural tendency to over analyze and fret about the things I literally cannot change. Something that feels really foreign and, I’m ashamed to say, even a little unwelcome. 

Contentment. 

I know the word. I know it’s definition and the promise that if I obtain contentment I’ll have great gain. But in all my life I can honestly say I have not felt it, fully deeply felt it deep inside of my soul, until that moment as I laid there in my bed. I’ve felt peace, yes... that’s the only thing that has kept me going. But contentment is completely different. It’s not a coverup or a bandaid for some broken part I’m trying to cover up or heal. It’s a whole new emotion with a whole new mindset. Not that peace is a coverup, because His peace is so pure that it removes all fear. But contentment comes from a place that fear has never even touched. It comes from the realization that Christ is literally all I have and all I want. There is nothing that I desire more than simply Him. I don’t care about where my home is, the seemingly unfruitful labor, what my future holds, or how sick my physical body is currently. I can’t even begin to worry about those things because all I can think about lately is Him. 

How good He is. 

How He has shown His love. 

How much he loves the Japanese. 

How much he loved this entire world. 

How merciful he is towards me. 

How glorious it is to glimpse Him in the mundane and regular days. 

Maybe contentment does begin in Love. True, undefiled, soul-changing love that can change my entire heart and mind and comes from the creator of Love itself. I’m learning it, this contentment... learning to accept it and to dive deeper into it. There is great gain at the bottom of this dive and I think I’m glimpsing it now, glimpsing Him now. 

Am I Doing This Right?

1/18/19

          I’m not quite sure how I survived the past month (ish) of my life. I’m not here to be dramatic, I’m here to be honest and in complete honesty when I look back on the past several weeks I wanted to quit SO. MANY. TIMES. I was told by a loving friend that “your journeyman term will be a time where God does SO much, but the biggest thing He will do is make you more like Christ, and that is very painful.” I realized that in order to become more like Christ, all of me, all of Meghan, has to be completely washed away. Not in a “I’m giving up all of my personality and entering a cult” way, but in a “wow, I am super sinful and need all of Jesus to fill all of me” kind of way. 

I’ve learned so much about myself as a person, I had never put much thought into who I am or more accurately who He made me to be, but now I am more self-aware than ever before. This self-awareness has shown me that God has given me a very distinct personality with unique gifts and also unique shortcomings. I’ve learned that I value certain things, things I didn’t think twice about in America. I also learned that I dislike things! There are things I just simply do not want to do, be, say, or become and that’s ok! The beauty about this self-awareness is that I know I’ve been given the freedom to be the “Meghan” God had in mind as he knit me together (Psalm 139), That isn’t to say that I can do whatever I want and be whatever I want based on my own opinions. Clearly, I will learn more about myself as I read more of His word and learn more about Him since HE created me in the first place and He knows me better than I could ever know myself. 

I’ve also learned that I actually have NO IDEA how to be a “missionary”! How silly that sounds, but it’s really, really, REALLY true! I’ve experienced the short term thing, I even got a little crazy and spent 10 weeks overseas (wow, high five Meghan!), but this is a completely different world. There’s something about living, actually living in a place that changes ministry. I actually have to pay bills, figure out health insurance, wash my clothes and dry them at the laundromat, cook meals, and buy cleaning products (hopefully the right ones)... things you never do on a short term trip. I have to make friends, invest in my team, figure out how to communicate, and somehow stay in contact with my family/friends back home. I have to sweep, and memorize train timetables, reroute myself when I get on the wrong train, and figure out how to get 24 eggs home on my bicycle without ALL of them cracking. I have to have down time, rest, exercise, and oh yeah... READ MY BIBLE! 

This. Is. Real. Life. This is not some fun 10 week adventure. This is an everyday-waking up-dying to self-how will I survive daily adventure. Every morning as soon as my eyes open my heart has the opportunity to be hardened toward God, simply because I’m a sinner and the only way to combat that is to force my sinful heart to spend hours reading His Word and slowly The Word, Jesus himself, chips away at that hard heart and starts the molding, carving, pruning process of another day. Every single day it hurts and every single day I get to choose to complain or be grateful. Every single day I choose between two things: grabbing His hand and like a little child running to keep up with what He is doing that day or closing myself off because “I just can’t today.” Most days His Holy Spirit somehow sustains me (as if I should be shocked by this) but some days I fail, and I go to bed thinking “He chose the worst person for this, the wrong person for this.” And I go to bed waiting to wake up to new mercies. 

Maybe none of this made sense but maybe it gives a glimpse into how, every day we live a life in a world where we are foreigners because we were made for Heaven and not for here. And just because you may not be planted in some foreign country, it doesn’t mean you’re exempt from the call of Christ (and the pain and glory that comes along with it). God is good, and we aren’t worthy of His goodness, especially Meghan Marie... she REALLY isn’t worthy.So maybe I'm not doing it right, but I pray every single day that He will show me how to just not do it completely wrong. But for some reason He loves me and somehow I made it another month! 

         

Dying Alive

I sat there, sipping my tea, with the Word in front of me discussing Ecclesiastes with my sisters. We shared laughs and struggles and everything in between as I for just a moment forgot where I was. Until we began to read together and my heart was reminded once again of why I’m here...

“We all come to the end of our lives as naked and empty-handed as on the day we were born. We can’t take our riches with us.”

Ecclesiastes 5:15 

This reality is not something that should be new to us. Death happens and we do not get to take anything with us. But this verse was written by a man with a pre-Christ mindset. Yet I’m reading it with Christ’s Spirit inside of me. This writer knew that he would be dying in death, just as he entered this world full of sin, he would leave the world full of sin. Yet, here I sit reading this same verse with the resurrected Christ as my advocate and his spirit living inside of me. When our time comes as believers, we die alive. 

That’s when His Spirit whispered to me, “Meghan look past your table, these precious people will die in death while you will die alive.” I will not take anything with me, but nothing this world offers can compare with what I’m heading towards. HIS GLORY, is what awaits us! Yet, my neighbors and friends here in this country do not have that hope. 

So quickly he pulls me from the pit of “normalcy” and reminds me of why I’m here. It’s easy to have a schedule and begin to live a normal life, yet I can easily forget that my eternity is secure, while most of the people I walk past everyday have never heard about the eternity they could have. Nor have they heard about the reason I desire that eternity, because of HIM. 

Oh, Father let me never forget how undeserving I am of your mercy and how great your love is for those who have not heard.