Arrival: Day 16

December 16, 2018

“Of the increase of His government and of peace there will be no end,”- Isaiah 9:7a

My heart has wandered in 1,000,001 different ways this Advent season. Everything around me feels so foreign and everything inside of me wants to hide from what surrounds me. I’ve tried to reconcile the world I am living in and the final Home that I am walking towards but it just will not work. I’ve forgotten what Peace feels like because I’m too busy trying to conjure up my own things that I think will give me comfort. And I’ve forgotten that the peace I’m searching for isn’t an “it” instead Peace is a person. 

Jesus is the Creator of Peace. That tiny baby, even as Mary carried him close to herself, was sustaining her very breath and supplying her with peace. And to this very day He gives Himself and his peace so freely to us. I do not think we have “missed the meaning of Christmas.” I think instead we have intentionally overlooked the manger in hopes of something even more satisfying when in reality only He can satisfy our every longing. His Peace shall never end, no matter how long I keep asking Him for it or seeking more of it, it will simply never run out. 

Arrival: Day 15

December 15, 2018

“The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them light has shone.” – Isaiah 9:2

            I know what it feels like to walk in a land where people dwell in darkness. It’s a hidden darkness, one that the normal eye would never recognize. But the eyes that the Spirit gives to me as a daughter of the King recognize it. It’s in the people next to me on the train, it slinks through families ripping them apart, it resides in the deepest places of their minds and whispers “none of this has any meaning.” The darkness is not palpable in this land that I’m in. It’s rampant. And I sit here and think of the world before Jesus entered into all of this mess and I think I have maybe a tiny glimpse of what it was like. 

            Yet, even in this darkness He gives us glimpses of this light. He sets His children in specific places at specific times to be beacons for His name, and those that are seeking are drawn to that light. This Christmas, no matter what darkness we may be walking through, the Promised Savior has defeated it once and for all. We have seen His great light and that is what pushes us through this momentary darkness. That Bethlehem night was proof that even the darkest and lowliest of places are still infiltrated by the infinite and glorious light of our God. 

         

Arrival: Day 14

December 14, 2018

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”

Isaiah 9:6 

The strange contrast in Isaiah’s words should make us stop. Here we are presented with this baby, which will reign over governments. We have a child who is a wonderful counselor, a mighty God. How can this be so? This is the beauty of the majesty of God. He is still and everlasting Father and a baby come to Bethlehem all at once. He gives counsel yet He sits in the lap of his mother. But my favorite is that this child is the Prince of Peace. A Prince has the power to give or hold back anything in His kingdom. Yet this baby comes and offers infinite peace. This Advent season I want to hide behind the manger as I feel his peace wrap around me. I want my cares to be not those of my circumstances or trials, but instead only to seek Him and His glory. I want to hide behind His wonderful counsel and His mighty hand. I pray that I don’t only see a baby but that I see the One True God wrapped in the swaddling cloth and lying in a manger. His Peace is unending and He reigns forever and for some reason He loves me. 

Arrival: Day 13

December 13, 2018

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”

Isaiah 9:6 ESV

Why a baby? Why would God choose to use the littlest and helpless of creation to display His glory? To display himself? I think often, especially in our current society, we are constantly seeking bigger and better. As if the only way to experience true joy is to have the best of everything. Yet even the Creator didn’t have the best. In fact He had what we would call the worst. A smelly stable, no real bed, and a soon-to-be exile on the run from Herod. This Christmas season, I wonder if maybe my heart desires the best instead of Bethlehem? I wonder if I would be comfortable with just some hay to lay on as long as I’m next to my Savior? I wonder if I think I deserve the Jesus who comes with a sword at the end before I spend time at His manger and appreciate that He did come as a baby. 

The beauty of this perfect baby being born through an imperfect woman gives us hope.

Hope that even the filthiest of our sins and the filthiest of places didn’t stop Him from coming and it did not change His glory and goodness. I pray that I would desire Bethlehem this Christmas and all that comes with it, if only to glimpse my Savior. 

Arrival: Day 12

December 12, 2018

“And Mary said, "My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant. For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed; for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name.”

Luke 1:46-49 

The holiday season has a way of bringing out many emotions within us that we may not even know we are capable of. I find myself feeling entitled often around the Christmas season. Entitled to my idea of what my holiday season should look like, and if it doesn’t turn out the way I envisioned I become angry! Entitlement is an evil thing stemming from a root of selfishness even though I don’t want to admit it my heart has been tangled up with it a lot lately. 

Mary’s heart holds no entitlement but rather she has given her title away. Instead the only thing she calls herself is a “humble servant.” And she voices the most beautiful part of her story, the fact that the God of the universe, the one who made the moon and stars, looked upon her. She realizes how unworthy she is of this calling but she also recognizes the overwhelming Grace shown to her as God HAS chosen her for this! There is no selfishness in her heart, no feelings of entitlement, but instead she has given all of herself for His glory no matter the outcome. 

This Christmas season, I hope to release all of my feelings of entitlement and selfishness. Because God doesn’t look graciously upon them. Instead His face is turned towards the ones who come before his throne offering nothing except their whole life. Loving Christ with your heart, soul, mind, and strength means keeping nothing back from Him and realizing that He has looked upon us, his humble and undeserving servants, and said “I love you, all of you, even the unlovable pieces.” 

Arrival: Day 11

December 11, 2018

“The splendor light of heaven’s glorious sunrise is about to break upon us in holy visitation, all because the merciful heart of our God is so very tender. The word from heaven will come to us with dazzling light to shine upon those who live in darkness, near death’s dark shadow. And he will illuminate the path that leads to the way of peace.””

Luke 1:78-79 TPT

For most of the world the night before the birth of Christ was one filled with complete darkness and no reason for hope. But for a few that were privileged to know of about this promised baby to come, real LIVING Hope was so close they could almost touch it. Actually they would soon touch Him. Hope in physical form!  Zechariah’s words bring to light just how powerful this baby was. This child would bring forth a light that this groaning earth hadn’t experienced since before the Fall. God’s tender heart sent a baby. He could have sent a regal king that exudes majesty with every glance, instead the first glances this baby received were from shepherds and whoever (or whatever) else was in that stable. God’s tender heart sent Himself in a form that we could ALL understand because we all once were babies ourselves. He sent Himself in an unassuming form, in a lowly form, in the form that no one expected but that He had planned from the beginning. And the promise this baby brought was one that every soul since the Fall waited for, maybe even without knowing it. He was here to not just diminish darkness but to put it to death and instead to shine such a light that all people would see is peace. That night before the birth was filled with darkness but once the tender heart of God entered this world through the WORD in flesh... darkness fled. 

Arrival: Day 10

December 10, 2018

“Powerful princes he tears from their thrones and he lifts up the lowly to take their place. Those who hunger for him will always be 

filled, but the smug and self-satisfied he will send away empty.”

Luke 1:52-53

Mary’s heart cry is not from someone terrified of what God has called her to, but instead COURAGEOUS in the God who has called her. This girl knows that no matter the outcome, the hunger she has for her Lord will always be satisfied. This God is worthy of her trust and this Baby inside of her will bring salvation. My heart cry is often that of pity and shame. My heart cries more for my needs than the needs of those around me. And most days my heart is shut off to anything or anyone, even the Creator, and is only focused on my selfish ways. 

The Good News frees us from selfishness and allows us to rejoice in this God who takes our lowly self and raises us to the levels of royalty. The Good News declares that our hunger will always, always, always be satisfied when we hunger for Him. The Good News is that the Prince of Peace has come and has begun to make all things NEW, even my selfish heart. 

Arrival: Day 9

December 9, 2018

“The weary world rejoices...” 

We all know the feeling of being weary. It comes at the worst times and usually manifests itself in the worst of ways. It’s when you’re sitting there with your head between your knees watching as the tears fall heavy on the floor and you beg God to just help you get through this day. Or it’s when you’re gathered in a room full of people, supposedly celebrating this holiday full of joy and cheer, but instead feeling as if there’s anywhere you’d rather be than HERE. Often times we do not recognize the weariness coming until we are drowning with no sense of up or down and no way to break through the waters. 

So how do we rejoice? What makes a weary world and my weary heart rejoice? 

GLORY. 

Nothing else but the sheer glory of a baby who was born in the weariest of places to the weary laden world. The baby who brought peace and redemption and everything that our hearts have been craving since the Fall. That tiny heartbeat gave my heart new life and and a reason to rejoice. 

So through my weariness I will rejoice because this is only temporal. BECAUSE of my weariness I will rejoice, for without trials I would never lean into His strong arms. This is only a stop before Glory and THAT is where weariness will be washed away and every single soul will rejoice forever and ever. 

Arrival: Day 8

 

December 8, 2018

“And her husband Joseph, being just a man and unwilling to put her to shame, resolved to divorce her quietly.”- Matthew 1:19

         I cannot imagine the confusion Joseph experienced upon hearing Mary’s news. Every expectation he once had was crushed and this shocking news had turned his entire world upside down. This man who was from the House of David knew that a Messiah was to come, but how was he to know this is the way He would come? He was a righteous man, knowing that the next step was to divorce this girl whom had turned his world on its edge. The only way for this mess to become a miracle was for the Creator to intervene. Just as it seems that all hope was lost, an angel comes to Joseph and gives him the promise that this boy that Joseph was to raise would save the world from their sins. 

            There are so many expectations we all have going into the holidays. Maybe we expect our families to be kinder, our relationships to be mended, or the grief of that empty seat at the table to not be as strong as it was last year. And yet we come to December 26^thand realize that none of those expectations were met. Why? Why do we feel more sadness and shock than happiness and joy? Maybe because our joy is not in the one who saved us from our sins. God intervenes in the holiday season if we give Him room to do that, but more often than not we take it into our own hands striving for a “perfect Christmas” to make up for all of the imperfection around us. This cannot be. Our joy has to come from Him and Him alone. Then our only expectation will be to feel HIS JOY and that expectation will always be met. 

Arrival: Day 7

December 7, 2018

“I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her.- Luke 1:38

            I love Mary’s heart. I find myself envious of her reaction to the Lord’s call. She says simply that whatever the Creator wishes to do, she would allow. Lately my heart has been in very many different places and I think that is probably common amongst most of us during the holiday season. We barely have time to breathe because of everything swirling around us. But Mary stopped before her mind could rationalize itself out of this mysterious encounter and she said “I am your servant, do as you wish.” 

            Before my feet touch the ground in the morning those words should be on my mouth too. “Lord, whatever you wish to do through me today please do it. I’m here for you and only you.”  This is what it looks like to love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength. We have to be willing to let Him move us and use us in whatever way He wishes, because we are simply here to be His hands and feet. And His word and promises will be fulfilled if we forego any plans and desires we’ve been holding onto this season. Our expectations and journey to find joy in meaningless things will not compare to watching His word be fulfilled right in front of our eyes! So let’s come humbly before Him today and echo Mary, because that’s where our joy will be found... in letting Him be glorified through us. 

Arrival: Day 6

December 6, 2018

“Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory,”

1 Peter 1:8

I imagine the hearts of Mary and Joseph were saturated with expectation to finally meet this miracle child. But I’m sure their expectation and excitement was often squelched by the sheer immensity of this situation and everything that comes with it. Yet, they looked ahead to when the child would finally come, not quite sure what to expect but knowing that He would bring salvation to their people. Their human minds probably could not fully wrap around what Jesus would ultimately do. But to have this Christ, who was promised for years, so close to them I’m sure they were filled with a joy like no other. 

Similarly, while we weren’t chosen to bear and raise the Messiah, we do have His Spirit living inside of us. He’s not only NEAR us but He is WITHIN us. As a result there is a joy that overflows from His spirit and it stands in contrast to the plights of this sinful world. So while this holiday season may bring grief, sadness, anger, or even apathy we can rest assured that our joy is not dependent on the holidays. And our joy is not dependent upon our family, friends, or even ourselves. Even though we cannot see Him we “rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory.” The time is coming near when we will finally see Him face to face, but until that day I pray that I will find my joy in His presence and rejoice that it never has to end. 

Arrival: Day 5

December 5, 2018

And there appeared to him an angel of the Lord standing on the right side of the altar of incense.  And Zechariah was troubled when he saw him, and fear fell upon him.But the angel said to him, “Do not be afraid, Zechariah, for your prayer has been heard, and your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you shall call his name John. And you will have joy and gladness, and many will rejoice at his birth, for he will be great before the Lord. And he must not drink wine or strong drink, and he will be filled with the Holy Spirit, even from his mother's womb. And he will turn many of the children of Israel to the Lord their God, and he will go before him in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the disobedient to the wisdom of the just, to make ready for the Lord a people prepared. “And Zechariah said to the angel, “How shall I know this? For I am an old man, and my wife is advanced in years.” And the angel answered him, “I am Gabriel. I stand in the presence of God, and I was sent to speak to you and to bring you this good news. And behold, you will be silent and unable to speak until the day that these things take place, because you did not believe my words, which will be fulfilled in their time.”

         Recently I have found myself in Zechariah’s shoes with his mindset. Imagine this scene: Zechariah is standing before the altar of God and suddenly an angel appears and gives him a calling and a promise all in one. The promise is for a baby in his old age and the calling is to raise up this baby to become the one to prepare the way for the Christ. Who wouldn’t be terrified? How should a man react to this sort of news? How am I supposed to react as I feel the weight of the calling placed upon my life? How are you to react with the calling placed upon yours?

            This morning as I read this passage again, I realized my unbelief resembles Zechariah’s. Obviously, my life and calling are completely different from his. However, I think that when the Creator asks us to follow Him and to do what He has planned it is hard to not doubt that He will do what He promises to do. This is the place he has found himself in. He sees the angel and he knows that what the angel declares is what will happen. Yet his humanity takes over and he looks too far into the future instead of focusing on the present. God’s promise will be fulfilled and the calling He places upon Zechariah and Elizabeth’s life is accomplished but not without doubt. 

            As I realize yet again what the Father has called me to I’m begging him to help me with my doubt. Will I be able to do this? Will I accomplish what he has asked of me without failing? My prayer is this: instead of having to wait in quietness to see His promises fulfilled I want to continually walk to His throne and lay myself and my doubts at his feet, knowing that I am no longer waiting on my Savior to arrive. He is here with me now! 

Arrival Day 4

“But as for you, Bethlehem Ephrathah, Too little to be among the clans of Judah, From you One will go forth for Me to be ruler in Israel. His goings forth are from long ago, From the days of eternity."- Micah 5:2

The first few moments of my time spent in the city of Bethlehem were nothing short of underwhelming. I’m not sure what I expected, but there had to be more than THIS. We saw a church located above what some think is the place that the Christ child was born. But when I laid my eyes upon that “spot” I realized the truth behind this verse in Malachi.

There is nothing special about this city, nothing unique about the spot where Jesus was born. However, this baby was a born ruler. He was there when the foundations of the earth were laid. He was present when Adam and Eve fell from perfect communion with their King and He will be there in the end receiving all glory, honor, and praise due His name. This baby’s birth was planned from the “days of eternity.” And this city, although it was nothing special or even remotely worthy of His birth place, it was still used to glorify the Name above all names.

So while our hearts might resemble that town of Bethlehem, may we offer every piece of them up to Him in surrender. We may not accomplish much in our time here on earth but I pray that we bring every second to His throne and follow the One who created time itself.

 This tiny baby to be born in that humble city is the one who rules the universe. And this baby who would ultimately save us from our sins deserves all of us. Allow the glory of His coming, which was planned from the beginning, to capture your soul today. Let your Bethlehem-heart be open and willing to welcome Him in, however He chooses to show up. 

Arrival: Day 3

 December 3, 2018

“All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had spoken by the prophet: "Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call his name Immanuel" (which means, God with us).”- Matthew1:22-23

The woman who first fell prey to the schemes of the enemy in Genesis felt the heavy weight of her sins immediately. And I’m sure the woman who would give birth to Immanuel felt the weight of her sin immediately after this news was delivered to her. There’s something beautiful about the brokenness of a human being carrying the God-man inside of her. This baby that would come forth from her would bring restoration to all that had been brought forth from the actions of the first woman. The story has come full circle, Immanuel is finally on His way! 

I love how Mary pondered everything within her heart (Luke 2:19). There must have been so many emotions, difficulties, and trials constantly surrounding her; yet, she took all of this to the secret place in her heart where only God could hear. As I walk through this Advent season, and the world swirls about me in so many directions I pray that I can remember Immanuel has come! He is God with ME! His present and overwhelming love surrounds me. And so, I’ll take all of these chaotic yet grace-filled moments through the next few weeks and store them up in the secret place of my heart where He alone hears and understands.

Arrival: Day 2

December 2, 2018

“And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel.”- Genesis 3:15

         I barely want to try and imagine this moment. The moment when sin crept in and the created ones realized they were now separated from him. That moment when lying and blaming came as second nature instead of communing and walking with the Creator in his garden. How hopeless! Yet before the sentence ends the Creator speaks words of hope. Where, just sometime before, His words created all that Adam and Eve see, now His voice is declaring something to come. Something to hope for! The Messiah is mentioned right after the separation between man and God happens. The promise of the enemy being crushed brings hope. The separation that Adam and Eve felt, we no longer have to take part in. We have access to this One who crushes the head of the enemy. We have a hope! He is coming again and this time the head of the enemy will not only be crushed but he will be destroyed forever. As we look back on this separation we all once experienced, let’s thank the Father for calling us out of the dominion of darkness and into the Kingdom of His Son... the Kingdom that has no end and will never fail. As I wait to meet this King of Kings I remember the words spoken by Paul:

"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."- Romans 8:24-25

Unlike those in the Old Testament, we are no longer waiting for salvation! We have access to His throne now! Instead, we wait to see Him face to face. We hope for His ultimate redemption!

Arrival: The Advent for the Missionary's Heart

December 1

*In an effort to renew my heart, as well as my longing for Christ I’ve decided to attempt to write a new advent devotional every morning until December 25^th. I want to remember this season of arrival, as I am begging for Christ to arrive in the hearts of those around me. While this advent is not only for missionaries, there will be some devotionals that focus on the heart cries of us as we wait to see Christ exalted in the dark places. *

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The scepter will not depart from Judah, nor the ruler’s staff from between his feet, until he to whom it belongs shall come and the obedience of the nations shall be his.

Genesis 49:10

            Excitement bubbled within me and would hardly allow sleep as I lay there in the middle of the night knowing that today would begin Advent. This Arrival season is one where we as Christians look forward to the second coming of the victorious, ruling Messiah and look back to His first coming as a humble, tiny baby. A missionary often finds their hearts cluttered with a mix of emotions as we look back on everything we left behind and look forward to all that God will do in the land to which He has called us. This is an emotion the people of promise were rather familiar with. They had heard these prophecies of the coming Messiah and what would come from their fathers, grandfathers, and great grandfathers. But they also took so much pride and honor in their past, in the fact that God had chosen them to be His people. However, Genesis 49 promises something for us, it promises that “the nations” will be part of this ruler’s kingdom. 

As we look back on Jesus’ birth and look forward to His return, we have the hope that He will forever reign (the scepter will not depart), and that the nations “shall be his.” In this world full of darkness, wherever we sit today, the Called-Out Ones have a promise that the nations shall be HIS. When we are tired and weary, and feel as if we have no more energy or desire to share because of the darkness covering the land we are in, let us cling to this promise. Let us look forward to this HOPE: the goodness of His unending reign and the majesty of His promise! He is coming and all nations shall be His! 

Present Discomforts and Future Promises

The story of the Israelites wandering through the desert has always been one that I rushed through with a puzzled look and not much interest (if I’m being totally honest). How ungrateful could they be? Why would they complain over such simple things? How could they desire to be back in Egypt... back in bondage? But recently, my entire outlook has changed because when I look at myself I see an Israelite. 

            I open my Bible to the book of Numbers and once again His Spirit meets me there bringing Truth and Conviction and Grace all at once. As I read through the story of God’s chosen people using every uncomfortable moment to complain and ask God “Why?!?” I realize that this has been me. In Numbers 11: 4-6, the people are complaining about not having any meat: “We remember the fish we had in Egypt that cost nothing,... but now our strength is dried up, and there is nothing at all but this manna to look at.” The very thing that they had prayed for (deliverance) had been given to them, and not only deliverance but the hope of a land where they could flourish and be under the rule of their King and Creator. But, here they were, complaining about not having the meat that they did in Egypt... the meat that they ate in bondage.

The complaints of their present circumstances were leading the minds of the Israelites to embellish their past. Egypt was the place that they worked long hours, under cruel conditions, for pagan people; yet, here they stand, a free people with the glory of God leading their every step, heading toward a beautiful land but complaining every step of the way. 

This middle place is where I find myself lately. I stand under the full assurance of God’s grace in my hard moments and live in the place that His Spirit has called me to. I am lavished with His love and protected by His arms. Yet, I stand here with complaints flowing from my tongue instead of praise and wishing I had the comforts I left behind. 

No, America wasn’t a place of bondage for me, but to stay would have been disobedient. And now I’m here, in His will and plan, wishing I was out of His will and plan only because I’m uncomfortable at the moment. How selfish! How arrogant and prideful! 

God did not promise the people that the journey would be easy, but He did give them the hope of freedom and a land to call their own where they would be under HIS rule and reign. God has promised me, not an easy path, but one where I get to watch Him work in ways I could have never imagined and see results of His grace and salvation.  

1 Thessalonians 3 gives encouragement to believers “so no one would be unsettled by these trials. For you know quite well that we are destined for them.” I’m destined for these trials? YES! Because I’m following a Savior who was also destined for trial and even death, so how should I expect to come out unscathed when my Redeemer had to die! My trials are nothing compared to others in the harvest field all over the world and they are certainly nothing compared to the ones my Savior endured! 

            I will continue to bow before the Father and beg Him to make me humble and remind me of His promises and the future hope that He has given to us as believers. My mind has to be on the things of eternity because my mind ruled by my flesh will only lead to sin. So I’ll praise Him for the truth and conviction of His word and praise Him for His grace that I do not deserve. My present discomforts have no comparison to His goodness, nor should I allow them to overshadow His future promises. 

Culture Stress

Everyone talks about culture shock, but no one ever describes culture stress. The truth is that while I may not have experienced as much shock, because I’ve spent some time in this city before moving here, I have experienced more stress in the past few weeks than I have in my entire life. However, stress is a funny thing and it comes about in ways that I could have never imagined. Currently it’s in the form of some nasty cold that makes my head feel like I am wearing a 25lb hat. Culture stress is what happens when you go to the store and realize you’re not exactly sure how to even ask where something is located and so instead of finding it you go home... to an empty fridge. Culture stress is melting down at the city office because there’s no one that speaks your language but you have to register to live in your house legally. Culture stress is walking around aimlessly because you aren’t really even sure where to go or what to do but you’re too afraid to go home to an empty house.

 In 60 days I have

-      Moved 6,681 miles 

-      Said goodbye to my family not knowing when I would see them again (turns out it will be another 6 months until I do)

-      Moved into a one room apartment and slept on the floor for 44 days

-      Shared the gospel 

-      Made some new friends

-      Paid bills in Japanese

-      Become a legal resident of Japan

-      Fell off of my bicycle in front of an entire sidewalk full of people

-      Moved another 2 miles to a 3 bed room house

-      Had my trash returned to me because I didn’t recycle correctly

-      Ran into a fence on my bike and almost fell… again

-      Woke up to my house being 50 degrees because I didn’t buy a heater

-    Realized that I will miss the holidays with my family for the first time in my life

-    Realized that I'll miss the holidays twice

Excitement is high and my emotions have been all over the place but I sat in my room this morning, staring at myself in the mirror and thought, “I am so exhausted I feel like I can’t even breathe.” I didn’t have culture shockbecause I’ve been here before and I knew what I was going to encounter. But LIVING here is completely different… and I honestly feel like I am failing at this whole thing. Going to the grocery store is not exciting or adventurous, it’s just flat out tiring. Google translate will only do so much and trying to figure out how to get 18 liters of kerosene on the back of my bicycle for that heater I desperately needed just will not work.

As I continued to stare at the mirror I begged God “Please show up here, I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t even know which way is up. I need you to meet me here because I can’t stand to even come and meet you. Every single thing around me is so foreign and changing and I have no control over anything.” But as I opened my bible to my daily reading plan I began to read Psalm 69.

Save me, O God,    for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths,    where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;    the floods engulf me.
I am worn out calling for help;    my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,    looking for my God.

But I pray to you, Lord,
    in the time of your favor;
in your great love, O God,    answer me with your sure salvation.
Rescue me from the mire,    do not let me sink;
deliver me from those who hate me,    from the deep waters.
Do not let the floodwaters engulf me    or the depths swallow me up
    or the pit close its mouth over me.

Answer me, Lord, out of the goodness of your love;
    in your great mercy turn to me.
Do not hide your face from your servant;    answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.
Come near and rescue me...

I began to cry as my eyes read the first two lines. I literally felt as if I would never get past this stage of being completely overwhelmed by the sea I’m drowning in. But, it hasn’t always been this way and it will not always be this way. One day I’ll go to the grocery store and not be overwhelmed. Eventually I’ll be able to understand the gist of the conversation happening around me. Soon I’ll be able to see my family. I'll celebrate the holidays, just with a new set of family than before. But even if those things never happen, the goodness of His love will always be there. Even as I type that sentence I have a hard time believing it but I have to believe it because without the truth of His word I am nothing and I cannot do this.