Entitled

Recently I’ve been feeling slightly entitled. Okay, actually majorly entitled. My thoughts are led by my flesh instead of by His Spirit and I have found myself expecting things from Him just because I’ve done what He’s asked me to. My selfishness has led me to pout and complain as if I deserve a “Thank you!” from God. Me, Meghan, this sinner that fails daily… multiple times daily… is expecting a perfect God, creator of the universe, to thank me. 

I’ve given up a lot of good things, Lord! 

I’m lonely, God!

I really deserve (fill in the blank). 

It’s painful to even voice the thoughts, but I’ve learned that the conviction of the Holy Spirit is only to help me experience more joy rather than more pain; and he has definitely convicted me! This morning, as I was spending time with Him I ran across Luke 17:7-10.

Will any of you who has a servant plowing or keeping sheep say to him when he has come in from the field, ‘Come at once and recline at table’? Will he not rather say to him, ‘Prepare supper for me, and dress properly, and serve me while I eat and drink, and afterward you will eat and drink’? Does he thank the servant because he did what was commanded? So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.’” 

A few things to note here, the first being that these verses are written to followers of Christ, not half-hearted church goers or those testing the waters of Christianity. Instead these verses are for the servants of Christ that are in the fields plowingand keeping sheep,both of which were arduous and taxing jobs. These verses are for those who pick up their cross daily to follow Jesus, the ones that die to self every morning before even getting out of the bed. (Which is not always me… often he has to remind me to pick up my cross.)

The second thing is that the servant is not there to be thanked by the Master. He is there to servethe Master. And lastly, the command comes straight from the mouth of Christ… “So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.’”

As I read this, I heard his gentle, yet firm, urging to remember why I am here and that’s only because I serve Him and He has asked me to follow. 

I do not deserve a thank-you from the creator of the galaxies and the one who has sustained all life from the beginning until now. I do not deserve to really even be able to speak to Him and yet I can. Despite all of the things I do not deserve, he still lavishes me with good things. But my heart constantly wants more, when in reality I have all that I need because my Master is also my Savior and Friend. The one that I serve loves me. Entitlement is scary business and it can wreck the receiving of God’s gifts because I’m always thinking I should receive more.So, once again He’s brought me to my knees with the reality of my sin and the immensity of His grace. I’ll continue to plow, recognizing that my Master waits for me at the end of it all and I’ll say “I’ve only done what was my duty.” And his response will be to wipe away all my tears and say “well done my good and faithful servant.” THAT IS GRACE.

The Joyful Moments

I had someone ask me the other day if I was "happy" here in Japan. Maybe because of my last blog or maybe just because they were curious... but in all honesty it took me by surprise. I honestly haven't even asked myself that question! But immediately before I could even think about it, my response was "of course I am!" You see, I don't want to forget any part of this journey... every day is completely new and a learning experience in itself. From paying my first bill to finding the post office, I'm figuring this new "life" out, and the only way for me to remember it is to write it all down. The only way for me to fully process everything that's happening around me is to attempt to put it into words. 


So even though I'd like to be able to explain all of the reasons why I'm happy here, that would require you following me around for a day to experience the things that I experience. But what I can share with you goes even beyond happiness and it's pure joy. 

 I find that joy as I finally get to my bed after a long day and I realize that I am in the exact place God has asked me to be. 
I find that joy in the moments where I am riding my bike to a new place to meet new people (which is completely out of my comfort zone) and I realize that HE is with me. 
I find that joy as I watch my friends experience church for the first time. 
I find that joy in the quiet where all I have is His presence. 
I find that joy in the smiles of the Japanese people that my Savior loves enough to have died for them. 

Sometimes life hurts and circumstances are difficult, but that's not because I live in Japan... that's because I'm a sinful human living in a sinful world. This new life that I'm navigating is so different from anything I've ever done that sometimes I feel as if I'm an alien. But even that feeling is not unique to me, many others have gone before me as strangers and exiles in a foreign land. Quite honestly, we should all feel as if we are just strangers on this earth as we set our eyes upon Jesus and the place we were really made for: eternity. This heavenly place that we were created for is not the reality that we live in, instead this reality is but a breath and fades quickly and I've realized that recently more than I ever have before. BUT, when our eyes are focused on Jesus as our hand holds His hand and we follow wherever He leads, the eternal joy that awaits us somehow enters into our reality. The promise of perfection will be fulfilled when we reach eternity with Him... but the promise of full, unwavering, unending joy is something that we can obtain RIGHT NOW. 

" You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever."- Psalm 16:11

“These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” - John 15:11

The Hard Moments

I don’t want to forget this moment. This moment is a hard moment. I won’t say it was a hard day, because currently I’m only able to live one moment at a time. But right now, I miss my family. I miss walking into a home filled with people and a place filled with memories. It’s hard to walk into a place with no memories and no one to greet me. There are moments in everyday that I want to share with them, or wish that they could see, but they’re sleeping when my day is going and I’m asleep while they are living their life. It’s this feeling of realization that hits often... the realization that this is not just for a little while. But that I LIVE here. And that they live THERE. The life that I’ve known for 23 years seems so distant, almost as if it had never happened at all. But it did happen and sometimes the memories are great and I smile... and other times they hurt because that’s all they are... only memories.

 I miss my church. I miss people welcoming me with open arms and understanding my troubles. There’s something about walking into a room of people that you love and you know that they love you back without even a word being said. The seemingly difficult “issues” are barely even memorable. The only thing I remember is their hugs on a Sunday morning and the lives that I loved being apart of.

 I miss being able to speak to the lady at the grocery store or the waiter at the restaurant... in my own language. Even if I want to speak to them, I’m not quite sure what to say. Aren’t I here to TELL them about this Jesus that I love so much? I can barely tell them my name. Much less His....

I miss my friends that were only a few miles down the road if I needed them or just simply wanted to see them. I miss the laughs that we shared and the fact that they understood my humor and I understood theirs. I’m having to relearn what things people find funny and I’m struggling to find things to laugh about with others. I miss laughing! This is what happens when someone completely switches cultures. There is not one thing that is familiar... not even if you think it should be familiar.

But with all of that said, after all the emotions fade away, these are the facts:
- my family is 7,000 miles away.
- God is good.
- No one speaks my language.
- God has called me here.
- This moment hurts.
- His mercies are new every morning.

He loves the people of Japan and no matter my emotion, he deserves my every breath. Even if I had to leave my family a million times, give up my friends over and over, and learn every language there is it still would not be enough to repay Him for what He has done for me. Because it isn’t about me or what I can do. It’s simply about Him and His glory.

So I’ll lay here and trust that I’ll find family, friends, and memories here and I’ll cling to the mercy that will come tomorrow and the hope that I have for all eternity.