Am I Doing This Right?

1/18/19

          I’m not quite sure how I survived the past month (ish) of my life. I’m not here to be dramatic, I’m here to be honest and in complete honesty when I look back on the past several weeks I wanted to quit SO. MANY. TIMES. I was told by a loving friend that “your journeyman term will be a time where God does SO much, but the biggest thing He will do is make you more like Christ, and that is very painful.” I realized that in order to become more like Christ, all of me, all of Meghan, has to be completely washed away. Not in a “I’m giving up all of my personality and entering a cult” way, but in a “wow, I am super sinful and need all of Jesus to fill all of me” kind of way. 

I’ve learned so much about myself as a person, I had never put much thought into who I am or more accurately who He made me to be, but now I am more self-aware than ever before. This self-awareness has shown me that God has given me a very distinct personality with unique gifts and also unique shortcomings. I’ve learned that I value certain things, things I didn’t think twice about in America. I also learned that I dislike things! There are things I just simply do not want to do, be, say, or become and that’s ok! The beauty about this self-awareness is that I know I’ve been given the freedom to be the “Meghan” God had in mind as he knit me together (Psalm 139), That isn’t to say that I can do whatever I want and be whatever I want based on my own opinions. Clearly, I will learn more about myself as I read more of His word and learn more about Him since HE created me in the first place and He knows me better than I could ever know myself. 

I’ve also learned that I actually have NO IDEA how to be a “missionary”! How silly that sounds, but it’s really, really, REALLY true! I’ve experienced the short term thing, I even got a little crazy and spent 10 weeks overseas (wow, high five Meghan!), but this is a completely different world. There’s something about living, actually living in a place that changes ministry. I actually have to pay bills, figure out health insurance, wash my clothes and dry them at the laundromat, cook meals, and buy cleaning products (hopefully the right ones)... things you never do on a short term trip. I have to make friends, invest in my team, figure out how to communicate, and somehow stay in contact with my family/friends back home. I have to sweep, and memorize train timetables, reroute myself when I get on the wrong train, and figure out how to get 24 eggs home on my bicycle without ALL of them cracking. I have to have down time, rest, exercise, and oh yeah... READ MY BIBLE! 

This. Is. Real. Life. This is not some fun 10 week adventure. This is an everyday-waking up-dying to self-how will I survive daily adventure. Every morning as soon as my eyes open my heart has the opportunity to be hardened toward God, simply because I’m a sinner and the only way to combat that is to force my sinful heart to spend hours reading His Word and slowly The Word, Jesus himself, chips away at that hard heart and starts the molding, carving, pruning process of another day. Every single day it hurts and every single day I get to choose to complain or be grateful. Every single day I choose between two things: grabbing His hand and like a little child running to keep up with what He is doing that day or closing myself off because “I just can’t today.” Most days His Holy Spirit somehow sustains me (as if I should be shocked by this) but some days I fail, and I go to bed thinking “He chose the worst person for this, the wrong person for this.” And I go to bed waiting to wake up to new mercies. 

Maybe none of this made sense but maybe it gives a glimpse into how, every day we live a life in a world where we are foreigners because we were made for Heaven and not for here. And just because you may not be planted in some foreign country, it doesn’t mean you’re exempt from the call of Christ (and the pain and glory that comes along with it). God is good, and we aren’t worthy of His goodness, especially Meghan Marie... she REALLY isn’t worthy.So maybe I'm not doing it right, but I pray every single day that He will show me how to just not do it completely wrong. But for some reason He loves me and somehow I made it another month! 

         

Dying Alive

I sat there, sipping my tea, with the Word in front of me discussing Ecclesiastes with my sisters. We shared laughs and struggles and everything in between as I for just a moment forgot where I was. Until we began to read together and my heart was reminded once again of why I’m here...

“We all come to the end of our lives as naked and empty-handed as on the day we were born. We can’t take our riches with us.”

Ecclesiastes 5:15 

This reality is not something that should be new to us. Death happens and we do not get to take anything with us. But this verse was written by a man with a pre-Christ mindset. Yet I’m reading it with Christ’s Spirit inside of me. This writer knew that he would be dying in death, just as he entered this world full of sin, he would leave the world full of sin. Yet, here I sit reading this same verse with the resurrected Christ as my advocate and his spirit living inside of me. When our time comes as believers, we die alive. 

That’s when His Spirit whispered to me, “Meghan look past your table, these precious people will die in death while you will die alive.” I will not take anything with me, but nothing this world offers can compare with what I’m heading towards. HIS GLORY, is what awaits us! Yet, my neighbors and friends here in this country do not have that hope. 

So quickly he pulls me from the pit of “normalcy” and reminds me of why I’m here. It’s easy to have a schedule and begin to live a normal life, yet I can easily forget that my eternity is secure, while most of the people I walk past everyday have never heard about the eternity they could have. Nor have they heard about the reason I desire that eternity, because of HIM. 

Oh, Father let me never forget how undeserving I am of your mercy and how great your love is for those who have not heard. 

Arrival: Day 16

December 16, 2018

“Of the increase of His government and of peace there will be no end,”- Isaiah 9:7a

My heart has wandered in 1,000,001 different ways this Advent season. Everything around me feels so foreign and everything inside of me wants to hide from what surrounds me. I’ve tried to reconcile the world I am living in and the final Home that I am walking towards but it just will not work. I’ve forgotten what Peace feels like because I’m too busy trying to conjure up my own things that I think will give me comfort. And I’ve forgotten that the peace I’m searching for isn’t an “it” instead Peace is a person. 

Jesus is the Creator of Peace. That tiny baby, even as Mary carried him close to herself, was sustaining her very breath and supplying her with peace. And to this very day He gives Himself and his peace so freely to us. I do not think we have “missed the meaning of Christmas.” I think instead we have intentionally overlooked the manger in hopes of something even more satisfying when in reality only He can satisfy our every longing. His Peace shall never end, no matter how long I keep asking Him for it or seeking more of it, it will simply never run out. 

Arrival: Day 15

December 15, 2018

“The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them light has shone.” – Isaiah 9:2

            I know what it feels like to walk in a land where people dwell in darkness. It’s a hidden darkness, one that the normal eye would never recognize. But the eyes that the Spirit gives to me as a daughter of the King recognize it. It’s in the people next to me on the train, it slinks through families ripping them apart, it resides in the deepest places of their minds and whispers “none of this has any meaning.” The darkness is not palpable in this land that I’m in. It’s rampant. And I sit here and think of the world before Jesus entered into all of this mess and I think I have maybe a tiny glimpse of what it was like. 

            Yet, even in this darkness He gives us glimpses of this light. He sets His children in specific places at specific times to be beacons for His name, and those that are seeking are drawn to that light. This Christmas, no matter what darkness we may be walking through, the Promised Savior has defeated it once and for all. We have seen His great light and that is what pushes us through this momentary darkness. That Bethlehem night was proof that even the darkest and lowliest of places are still infiltrated by the infinite and glorious light of our God. 

         

Arrival: Day 14

December 14, 2018

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”

Isaiah 9:6 

The strange contrast in Isaiah’s words should make us stop. Here we are presented with this baby, which will reign over governments. We have a child who is a wonderful counselor, a mighty God. How can this be so? This is the beauty of the majesty of God. He is still and everlasting Father and a baby come to Bethlehem all at once. He gives counsel yet He sits in the lap of his mother. But my favorite is that this child is the Prince of Peace. A Prince has the power to give or hold back anything in His kingdom. Yet this baby comes and offers infinite peace. This Advent season I want to hide behind the manger as I feel his peace wrap around me. I want my cares to be not those of my circumstances or trials, but instead only to seek Him and His glory. I want to hide behind His wonderful counsel and His mighty hand. I pray that I don’t only see a baby but that I see the One True God wrapped in the swaddling cloth and lying in a manger. His Peace is unending and He reigns forever and for some reason He loves me. 

Arrival: Day 13

December 13, 2018

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”

Isaiah 9:6 ESV

Why a baby? Why would God choose to use the littlest and helpless of creation to display His glory? To display himself? I think often, especially in our current society, we are constantly seeking bigger and better. As if the only way to experience true joy is to have the best of everything. Yet even the Creator didn’t have the best. In fact He had what we would call the worst. A smelly stable, no real bed, and a soon-to-be exile on the run from Herod. This Christmas season, I wonder if maybe my heart desires the best instead of Bethlehem? I wonder if I would be comfortable with just some hay to lay on as long as I’m next to my Savior? I wonder if I think I deserve the Jesus who comes with a sword at the end before I spend time at His manger and appreciate that He did come as a baby. 

The beauty of this perfect baby being born through an imperfect woman gives us hope.

Hope that even the filthiest of our sins and the filthiest of places didn’t stop Him from coming and it did not change His glory and goodness. I pray that I would desire Bethlehem this Christmas and all that comes with it, if only to glimpse my Savior. 

Arrival: Day 12

December 12, 2018

“And Mary said, "My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has looked on the humble estate of his servant. For behold, from now on all generations will call me blessed; for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name.”

Luke 1:46-49 

The holiday season has a way of bringing out many emotions within us that we may not even know we are capable of. I find myself feeling entitled often around the Christmas season. Entitled to my idea of what my holiday season should look like, and if it doesn’t turn out the way I envisioned I become angry! Entitlement is an evil thing stemming from a root of selfishness even though I don’t want to admit it my heart has been tangled up with it a lot lately. 

Mary’s heart holds no entitlement but rather she has given her title away. Instead the only thing she calls herself is a “humble servant.” And she voices the most beautiful part of her story, the fact that the God of the universe, the one who made the moon and stars, looked upon her. She realizes how unworthy she is of this calling but she also recognizes the overwhelming Grace shown to her as God HAS chosen her for this! There is no selfishness in her heart, no feelings of entitlement, but instead she has given all of herself for His glory no matter the outcome. 

This Christmas season, I hope to release all of my feelings of entitlement and selfishness. Because God doesn’t look graciously upon them. Instead His face is turned towards the ones who come before his throne offering nothing except their whole life. Loving Christ with your heart, soul, mind, and strength means keeping nothing back from Him and realizing that He has looked upon us, his humble and undeserving servants, and said “I love you, all of you, even the unlovable pieces.”