When I Left... Part 1

1..

I guess it’s taken me 8 months to write these words because even now my stomach turns when I think about that day… the day that I left America. The emotions are still fresh, even after so much time has passed since that morning. When I think about the days leading up to my departure it’s as if they happened just yesterday. I knew that the moment was coming, I knew for over a year that I would be leaving. But preparation can only go so far... when the reality of the moment I had been preparing for finally came I didn’t know how to process it all or how to act. Each new moment was a new lesson learned and a fresh picture of God’s grace and mercy. This may have to be posted in segments because I’m remembering as I go, and there’s so much that God taught me that I don’t want to forget it all. 

I knew how it felt to leave and how merciless goodbyes can be. It was hard when I had to leave my family, church family, and friends for my 7 weeks of training. Looking back, 7 weeks seemed like an eternity but now 7 weeks seems like one second. I won’t say much about the training for safety reasons but God taught me so much about my heart and my life and what I expected/didn’t expect to happen over the next two years. One of the most memorable points was a small amount of time that almost defined all of my scary moments over the next two years. 

I was in a seminar when all of a sudden I felt extremely dizzy and I couldn’t control my own thoughts or breathing. I felt like I was having some sort of out of body experience and had the feeling that I was about to pass out. I walked out of the classroom and found a bench outside so that I could breathe for a bit and figure out what was going on. My friend came out to see what was wrong and sat there with me. I realized as she asked if I was ok that I could barely breathe and I was slowly starting to panic. I don’t think I was having a panic attack, I was simply on the verge peering at one. I could have let myself fall into it and allow the fear to overcome me as I drowned in this sea of unknown, but as I sat there I realized that I had a choice to make: I could choose to let the panic nestle its way into my mind and take over pieces which I had never allowed panic to control OR I could shut it down before it ever entered. Obviously, the choice seems easy, but in that moment I felt as if it would be easier to just let the panic overtake me… I was too tired to fight it. Thankfully, my friend was there to walk with me through that moment. She prayed over me and told me something I will never forget, “Meghan, remember that you have not always felt this way and you will not continue to feel this way. It will not stay.” I sat there in my fear for a bit… thinking about what I was leaving behind. I allowed the thoughts to come…

“What if I hate it?”

“Why do I have to go alone?”

“Why do I need to go?”

“I won’t last…”

But I didn’t let them stay. My friend was there with me thankfully, but I’ve never felt the Holy Spirit more tangible than in that moment. I knew without a doubt that even in this scary place He was there with me. The moment didn’t define me… or at least not how the enemy intended. Instead it showed me what diddefine me… and that was Christ’s freedom. The release from panic wasn’t immediate I had to walk through it to know that I could overcome this emotion. But I’m thankful for it because that same feeling would come to visit several more times on this journey… but I knew it wouldn’t, and couldn’t, stay. 

Guilt-Free Joy

Sometimes I feel guilty. It’s an odd thing to feel guilt about such a good thing... Joy. 

Recently I’ve found more joy in Jesus and who He is. I’ve experienced great joy in this place that He has planted me and with the people he has put into my life. I’ve had experiences and adventures and simple moments that have almost brought tears to my eyes because I could hardly express my joy. And yet I feel guilty? 

But tonight, as I was walking back from an event with over 100 college students that we have been attending I heard God speak to my guilt. He told it to flee and hide because it was not accepted in this place of joy. This joy has come from the Father of Heavenly lights and there is no wrong in it, there is nothing to doubt or feel guilty about. This joy comes from a place deep within my heart that I didn’t even know existed until Christ opened it up and set that joy free. It’s a special thing to be loved and led by a Savior who delights to give us joy. And it’s even more special when we are able to share that joy with others! 

Don’t get me wrong, life is not perfect. And the enemy tries daily to steal, kill, and destroy all that is going well around me. But Christ has already won and my strength comes from His joy. 

So instead of going to bed guilty of this joy that I have, tonight I will sleep with a thankful and joyous heart. Because Christ has chosen me, called me, equipped me, and saved me. How amazing!! 

Where Is Your Victory

Tonight, thousands of years ago, Jesus Christ was dead inside of a tomb. This night was one that many of His followers didn’t believe would actually happen. This night was one of utter darkness.

The enemy was smiling, content with what he thought he had accomplished. The spirits in the realm of darkness could rest, God was dead. They now ruled.

What a dark night. What a night full of hopelessness and fear. Every moment brought about more dread and loneliness for those who had trusted in this man whom they thought would save them. But he was gone.

As I sit here, in this land of barely any believers of Jesus, I sense that dread. I can see it in the eyes of the people here in this country. I notice the hopelessness and fear and loneliness that lies just under the surface, locked away in their hiding place of choice. It’s easy to feel as if the enemy truly did win that night. I’m always one or two thoughts away from saying “there’s really no hope for this land.” Satan seems to have truly won here.

But I know how the story ends.
I know that God truly is not dead.
I know that the spirits in the realm of darkness didn’t rest for long because the God-man was not in that tomb for long and when he walked out all of hell was filled with fear. Because they knew their chance to actually win was forever gone.

Christ died on this night, many years ago, and on this night in Japan there are many that don’t know that he died for them. But we know how it ends. We are promised that ALL nations will be around the throne praising the nail-scarred, risen Savior for all of eternity. All nations, including this one that I’m in right now. So although the night may seem dark, the work may be slow, and the enemy may have many strongholds here... Jesus Christ has already risen and has already won. Death has no victory. Death died on that cross and now Hope lives on, now and for eternity.

This Girl

She’s steady, this girl, never wavering on what she believes and always strong in standing up for truth. 

She’s compassionate, this girl, seeing the needs of those around her and acting without questioning whether she will receive something in return. 

She’s dedicated, this girl, forging ahead to reach her goal and never looking back. 

She’s creative, this girl, using that innate likeness she received from her Creator to design and mold beautiful things and ideas. 

She’s brave, this girl, always ready to try the thing that’s never been done. 

She’s wise, this girl, offering advice beyond what her age should know.

She’s not a girl anymore, this woman.... my sister. She has laughed with me and pushed me forward when I thought my feet could not take another step. She has cried with me and prayed for me. She has shown me what it means to be fearless and independent and spontaneous. She’s the one that I prayed for as a little girl, begging God to give me a sister. And in God’s gracious way he gave me more than I could ever ask for or imagine. 

On her day of graduating from high school and stepping out into this next season, although I can’t be there, I bow before the throne and offer her up to our Savior. I pray that His plans for her are good, as he has promised, and that He will receive glory through them. I pray that he gives her joy and that the desires of her heart will reflect his own and that they will be filled. I pray that He gives her success in her dreams and allows her to accomplish all of her goals. I pray that he protects, guides, and covers her in every step for the rest of her life. 

I love you Hannah Bethany. 

Content

I lay there in the quiet the other night trying to think of what I could be, should be, worried about. Maybe I should worry about the “friends” I’ve lost here in this country because of the gospel. Or maybe I should mourn the fact that we seem to take one step forward and twenty steps back with this culture. I should probably be concerned about my physical health or even about the fact that I haven’t seen my family in... how many months now? But I wasn’t able to conjure up the worry and fear. Something else has replaced that natural tendency to over analyze and fret about the things I literally cannot change. Something that feels really foreign and, I’m ashamed to say, even a little unwelcome. 

Contentment. 

I know the word. I know it’s definition and the promise that if I obtain contentment I’ll have great gain. But in all my life I can honestly say I have not felt it, fully deeply felt it deep inside of my soul, until that moment as I laid there in my bed. I’ve felt peace, yes... that’s the only thing that has kept me going. But contentment is completely different. It’s not a coverup or a bandaid for some broken part I’m trying to cover up or heal. It’s a whole new emotion with a whole new mindset. Not that peace is a coverup, because His peace is so pure that it removes all fear. But contentment comes from a place that fear has never even touched. It comes from the realization that Christ is literally all I have and all I want. There is nothing that I desire more than simply Him. I don’t care about where my home is, the seemingly unfruitful labor, what my future holds, or how sick my physical body is currently. I can’t even begin to worry about those things because all I can think about lately is Him. 

How good He is. 

How He has shown His love. 

How much he loves the Japanese. 

How much he loved this entire world. 

How merciful he is towards me. 

How glorious it is to glimpse Him in the mundane and regular days. 

Maybe contentment does begin in Love. True, undefiled, soul-changing love that can change my entire heart and mind and comes from the creator of Love itself. I’m learning it, this contentment... learning to accept it and to dive deeper into it. There is great gain at the bottom of this dive and I think I’m glimpsing it now, glimpsing Him now. 

Am I Doing This Right?

1/18/19

          I’m not quite sure how I survived the past month (ish) of my life. I’m not here to be dramatic, I’m here to be honest and in complete honesty when I look back on the past several weeks I wanted to quit SO. MANY. TIMES. I was told by a loving friend that “your journeyman term will be a time where God does SO much, but the biggest thing He will do is make you more like Christ, and that is very painful.” I realized that in order to become more like Christ, all of me, all of Meghan, has to be completely washed away. Not in a “I’m giving up all of my personality and entering a cult” way, but in a “wow, I am super sinful and need all of Jesus to fill all of me” kind of way. 

I’ve learned so much about myself as a person, I had never put much thought into who I am or more accurately who He made me to be, but now I am more self-aware than ever before. This self-awareness has shown me that God has given me a very distinct personality with unique gifts and also unique shortcomings. I’ve learned that I value certain things, things I didn’t think twice about in America. I also learned that I dislike things! There are things I just simply do not want to do, be, say, or become and that’s ok! The beauty about this self-awareness is that I know I’ve been given the freedom to be the “Meghan” God had in mind as he knit me together (Psalm 139), That isn’t to say that I can do whatever I want and be whatever I want based on my own opinions. Clearly, I will learn more about myself as I read more of His word and learn more about Him since HE created me in the first place and He knows me better than I could ever know myself. 

I’ve also learned that I actually have NO IDEA how to be a “missionary”! How silly that sounds, but it’s really, really, REALLY true! I’ve experienced the short term thing, I even got a little crazy and spent 10 weeks overseas (wow, high five Meghan!), but this is a completely different world. There’s something about living, actually living in a place that changes ministry. I actually have to pay bills, figure out health insurance, wash my clothes and dry them at the laundromat, cook meals, and buy cleaning products (hopefully the right ones)... things you never do on a short term trip. I have to make friends, invest in my team, figure out how to communicate, and somehow stay in contact with my family/friends back home. I have to sweep, and memorize train timetables, reroute myself when I get on the wrong train, and figure out how to get 24 eggs home on my bicycle without ALL of them cracking. I have to have down time, rest, exercise, and oh yeah... READ MY BIBLE! 

This. Is. Real. Life. This is not some fun 10 week adventure. This is an everyday-waking up-dying to self-how will I survive daily adventure. Every morning as soon as my eyes open my heart has the opportunity to be hardened toward God, simply because I’m a sinner and the only way to combat that is to force my sinful heart to spend hours reading His Word and slowly The Word, Jesus himself, chips away at that hard heart and starts the molding, carving, pruning process of another day. Every single day it hurts and every single day I get to choose to complain or be grateful. Every single day I choose between two things: grabbing His hand and like a little child running to keep up with what He is doing that day or closing myself off because “I just can’t today.” Most days His Holy Spirit somehow sustains me (as if I should be shocked by this) but some days I fail, and I go to bed thinking “He chose the worst person for this, the wrong person for this.” And I go to bed waiting to wake up to new mercies. 

Maybe none of this made sense but maybe it gives a glimpse into how, every day we live a life in a world where we are foreigners because we were made for Heaven and not for here. And just because you may not be planted in some foreign country, it doesn’t mean you’re exempt from the call of Christ (and the pain and glory that comes along with it). God is good, and we aren’t worthy of His goodness, especially Meghan Marie... she REALLY isn’t worthy.So maybe I'm not doing it right, but I pray every single day that He will show me how to just not do it completely wrong. But for some reason He loves me and somehow I made it another month! 

         

Dying Alive

I sat there, sipping my tea, with the Word in front of me discussing Ecclesiastes with my sisters. We shared laughs and struggles and everything in between as I for just a moment forgot where I was. Until we began to read together and my heart was reminded once again of why I’m here...

“We all come to the end of our lives as naked and empty-handed as on the day we were born. We can’t take our riches with us.”

Ecclesiastes 5:15 

This reality is not something that should be new to us. Death happens and we do not get to take anything with us. But this verse was written by a man with a pre-Christ mindset. Yet I’m reading it with Christ’s Spirit inside of me. This writer knew that he would be dying in death, just as he entered this world full of sin, he would leave the world full of sin. Yet, here I sit reading this same verse with the resurrected Christ as my advocate and his spirit living inside of me. When our time comes as believers, we die alive. 

That’s when His Spirit whispered to me, “Meghan look past your table, these precious people will die in death while you will die alive.” I will not take anything with me, but nothing this world offers can compare with what I’m heading towards. HIS GLORY, is what awaits us! Yet, my neighbors and friends here in this country do not have that hope. 

So quickly he pulls me from the pit of “normalcy” and reminds me of why I’m here. It’s easy to have a schedule and begin to live a normal life, yet I can easily forget that my eternity is secure, while most of the people I walk past everyday have never heard about the eternity they could have. Nor have they heard about the reason I desire that eternity, because of HIM. 

Oh, Father let me never forget how undeserving I am of your mercy and how great your love is for those who have not heard.