When I Left... Part 1

1..

I guess it’s taken me 8 months to write these words because even now my stomach turns when I think about that day… the day that I left America. The emotions are still fresh, even after so much time has passed since that morning. When I think about the days leading up to my departure it’s as if they happened just yesterday. I knew that the moment was coming, I knew for over a year that I would be leaving. But preparation can only go so far... when the reality of the moment I had been preparing for finally came I didn’t know how to process it all or how to act. Each new moment was a new lesson learned and a fresh picture of God’s grace and mercy. This may have to be posted in segments because I’m remembering as I go, and there’s so much that God taught me that I don’t want to forget it all. 

I knew how it felt to leave and how merciless goodbyes can be. It was hard when I had to leave my family, church family, and friends for my 7 weeks of training. Looking back, 7 weeks seemed like an eternity but now 7 weeks seems like one second. I won’t say much about the training for safety reasons but God taught me so much about my heart and my life and what I expected/didn’t expect to happen over the next two years. One of the most memorable points was a small amount of time that almost defined all of my scary moments over the next two years. 

I was in a seminar when all of a sudden I felt extremely dizzy and I couldn’t control my own thoughts or breathing. I felt like I was having some sort of out of body experience and had the feeling that I was about to pass out. I walked out of the classroom and found a bench outside so that I could breathe for a bit and figure out what was going on. My friend came out to see what was wrong and sat there with me. I realized as she asked if I was ok that I could barely breathe and I was slowly starting to panic. I don’t think I was having a panic attack, I was simply on the verge peering at one. I could have let myself fall into it and allow the fear to overcome me as I drowned in this sea of unknown, but as I sat there I realized that I had a choice to make: I could choose to let the panic nestle its way into my mind and take over pieces which I had never allowed panic to control OR I could shut it down before it ever entered. Obviously, the choice seems easy, but in that moment I felt as if it would be easier to just let the panic overtake me… I was too tired to fight it. Thankfully, my friend was there to walk with me through that moment. She prayed over me and told me something I will never forget, “Meghan, remember that you have not always felt this way and you will not continue to feel this way. It will not stay.” I sat there in my fear for a bit… thinking about what I was leaving behind. I allowed the thoughts to come…

“What if I hate it?”

“Why do I have to go alone?”

“Why do I need to go?”

“I won’t last…”

But I didn’t let them stay. My friend was there with me thankfully, but I’ve never felt the Holy Spirit more tangible than in that moment. I knew without a doubt that even in this scary place He was there with me. The moment didn’t define me… or at least not how the enemy intended. Instead it showed me what diddefine me… and that was Christ’s freedom. The release from panic wasn’t immediate I had to walk through it to know that I could overcome this emotion. But I’m thankful for it because that same feeling would come to visit several more times on this journey… but I knew it wouldn’t, and couldn’t, stay.