Culture Stress

Everyone talks about culture shock, but no one ever describes culture stress. The truth is that while I may not have experienced as much shock, because I’ve spent some time in this city before moving here, I have experienced more stress in the past few weeks than I have in my entire life. However, stress is a funny thing and it comes about in ways that I could have never imagined. Currently it’s in the form of some nasty cold that makes my head feel like I am wearing a 25lb hat. Culture stress is what happens when you go to the store and realize you’re not exactly sure how to even ask where something is located and so instead of finding it you go home... to an empty fridge. Culture stress is melting down at the city office because there’s no one that speaks your language but you have to register to live in your house legally. Culture stress is walking around aimlessly because you aren’t really even sure where to go or what to do but you’re too afraid to go home to an empty house.

 In 60 days I have

-      Moved 6,681 miles 

-      Said goodbye to my family not knowing when I would see them again (turns out it will be another 6 months until I do)

-      Moved into a one room apartment and slept on the floor for 44 days

-      Shared the gospel 

-      Made some new friends

-      Paid bills in Japanese

-      Become a legal resident of Japan

-      Fell off of my bicycle in front of an entire sidewalk full of people

-      Moved another 2 miles to a 3 bed room house

-      Had my trash returned to me because I didn’t recycle correctly

-      Ran into a fence on my bike and almost fell… again

-      Woke up to my house being 50 degrees because I didn’t buy a heater

-    Realized that I will miss the holidays with my family for the first time in my life

-    Realized that I'll miss the holidays twice

Excitement is high and my emotions have been all over the place but I sat in my room this morning, staring at myself in the mirror and thought, “I am so exhausted I feel like I can’t even breathe.” I didn’t have culture shockbecause I’ve been here before and I knew what I was going to encounter. But LIVING here is completely different… and I honestly feel like I am failing at this whole thing. Going to the grocery store is not exciting or adventurous, it’s just flat out tiring. Google translate will only do so much and trying to figure out how to get 18 liters of kerosene on the back of my bicycle for that heater I desperately needed just will not work.

As I continued to stare at the mirror I begged God “Please show up here, I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t even know which way is up. I need you to meet me here because I can’t stand to even come and meet you. Every single thing around me is so foreign and changing and I have no control over anything.” But as I opened my bible to my daily reading plan I began to read Psalm 69.

Save me, O God,    for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths,    where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;    the floods engulf me.
I am worn out calling for help;    my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,    looking for my God.

But I pray to you, Lord,
    in the time of your favor;
in your great love, O God,    answer me with your sure salvation.
Rescue me from the mire,    do not let me sink;
deliver me from those who hate me,    from the deep waters.
Do not let the floodwaters engulf me    or the depths swallow me up
    or the pit close its mouth over me.

Answer me, Lord, out of the goodness of your love;
    in your great mercy turn to me.
Do not hide your face from your servant;    answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.
Come near and rescue me...

I began to cry as my eyes read the first two lines. I literally felt as if I would never get past this stage of being completely overwhelmed by the sea I’m drowning in. But, it hasn’t always been this way and it will not always be this way. One day I’ll go to the grocery store and not be overwhelmed. Eventually I’ll be able to understand the gist of the conversation happening around me. Soon I’ll be able to see my family. I'll celebrate the holidays, just with a new set of family than before. But even if those things never happen, the goodness of His love will always be there. Even as I type that sentence I have a hard time believing it but I have to believe it because without the truth of His word I am nothing and I cannot do this.

Entitled

Recently I’ve been feeling slightly entitled. Okay, actually majorly entitled. My thoughts are led by my flesh instead of by His Spirit and I have found myself expecting things from Him just because I’ve done what He’s asked me to. My selfishness has led me to pout and complain as if I deserve a “Thank you!” from God. Me, Meghan, this sinner that fails daily… multiple times daily… is expecting a perfect God, creator of the universe, to thank me. 

I’ve given up a lot of good things, Lord! 

I’m lonely, God!

I really deserve (fill in the blank). 

It’s painful to even voice the thoughts, but I’ve learned that the conviction of the Holy Spirit is only to help me experience more joy rather than more pain; and he has definitely convicted me! This morning, as I was spending time with Him I ran across Luke 17:7-10.

Will any of you who has a servant plowing or keeping sheep say to him when he has come in from the field, ‘Come at once and recline at table’? Will he not rather say to him, ‘Prepare supper for me, and dress properly, and serve me while I eat and drink, and afterward you will eat and drink’? Does he thank the servant because he did what was commanded? So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.’” 

A few things to note here, the first being that these verses are written to followers of Christ, not half-hearted church goers or those testing the waters of Christianity. Instead these verses are for the servants of Christ that are in the fields plowingand keeping sheep,both of which were arduous and taxing jobs. These verses are for those who pick up their cross daily to follow Jesus, the ones that die to self every morning before even getting out of the bed. (Which is not always me… often he has to remind me to pick up my cross.)

The second thing is that the servant is not there to be thanked by the Master. He is there to servethe Master. And lastly, the command comes straight from the mouth of Christ… “So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.’”

As I read this, I heard his gentle, yet firm, urging to remember why I am here and that’s only because I serve Him and He has asked me to follow. 

I do not deserve a thank-you from the creator of the galaxies and the one who has sustained all life from the beginning until now. I do not deserve to really even be able to speak to Him and yet I can. Despite all of the things I do not deserve, he still lavishes me with good things. But my heart constantly wants more, when in reality I have all that I need because my Master is also my Savior and Friend. The one that I serve loves me. Entitlement is scary business and it can wreck the receiving of God’s gifts because I’m always thinking I should receive more.So, once again He’s brought me to my knees with the reality of my sin and the immensity of His grace. I’ll continue to plow, recognizing that my Master waits for me at the end of it all and I’ll say “I’ve only done what was my duty.” And his response will be to wipe away all my tears and say “well done my good and faithful servant.” THAT IS GRACE.

The Joyful Moments

I had someone ask me the other day if I was "happy" here in Japan. Maybe because of my last blog or maybe just because they were curious... but in all honesty it took me by surprise. I honestly haven't even asked myself that question! But immediately before I could even think about it, my response was "of course I am!" You see, I don't want to forget any part of this journey... every day is completely new and a learning experience in itself. From paying my first bill to finding the post office, I'm figuring this new "life" out, and the only way for me to remember it is to write it all down. The only way for me to fully process everything that's happening around me is to attempt to put it into words. 


So even though I'd like to be able to explain all of the reasons why I'm happy here, that would require you following me around for a day to experience the things that I experience. But what I can share with you goes even beyond happiness and it's pure joy. 

 I find that joy as I finally get to my bed after a long day and I realize that I am in the exact place God has asked me to be. 
I find that joy in the moments where I am riding my bike to a new place to meet new people (which is completely out of my comfort zone) and I realize that HE is with me. 
I find that joy as I watch my friends experience church for the first time. 
I find that joy in the quiet where all I have is His presence. 
I find that joy in the smiles of the Japanese people that my Savior loves enough to have died for them. 

Sometimes life hurts and circumstances are difficult, but that's not because I live in Japan... that's because I'm a sinful human living in a sinful world. This new life that I'm navigating is so different from anything I've ever done that sometimes I feel as if I'm an alien. But even that feeling is not unique to me, many others have gone before me as strangers and exiles in a foreign land. Quite honestly, we should all feel as if we are just strangers on this earth as we set our eyes upon Jesus and the place we were really made for: eternity. This heavenly place that we were created for is not the reality that we live in, instead this reality is but a breath and fades quickly and I've realized that recently more than I ever have before. BUT, when our eyes are focused on Jesus as our hand holds His hand and we follow wherever He leads, the eternal joy that awaits us somehow enters into our reality. The promise of perfection will be fulfilled when we reach eternity with Him... but the promise of full, unwavering, unending joy is something that we can obtain RIGHT NOW. 

" You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever."- Psalm 16:11

“These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full.” - John 15:11

The Hard Moments

I don’t want to forget this moment. This moment is a hard moment. I won’t say it was a hard day, because currently I’m only able to live one moment at a time. But right now, I miss my family. I miss walking into a home filled with people and a place filled with memories. It’s hard to walk into a place with no memories and no one to greet me. There are moments in everyday that I want to share with them, or wish that they could see, but they’re sleeping when my day is going and I’m asleep while they are living their life. It’s this feeling of realization that hits often... the realization that this is not just for a little while. But that I LIVE here. And that they live THERE. The life that I’ve known for 23 years seems so distant, almost as if it had never happened at all. But it did happen and sometimes the memories are great and I smile... and other times they hurt because that’s all they are... only memories.

 I miss my church. I miss people welcoming me with open arms and understanding my troubles. There’s something about walking into a room of people that you love and you know that they love you back without even a word being said. The seemingly difficult “issues” are barely even memorable. The only thing I remember is their hugs on a Sunday morning and the lives that I loved being apart of.

 I miss being able to speak to the lady at the grocery store or the waiter at the restaurant... in my own language. Even if I want to speak to them, I’m not quite sure what to say. Aren’t I here to TELL them about this Jesus that I love so much? I can barely tell them my name. Much less His....

I miss my friends that were only a few miles down the road if I needed them or just simply wanted to see them. I miss the laughs that we shared and the fact that they understood my humor and I understood theirs. I’m having to relearn what things people find funny and I’m struggling to find things to laugh about with others. I miss laughing! This is what happens when someone completely switches cultures. There is not one thing that is familiar... not even if you think it should be familiar.

But with all of that said, after all the emotions fade away, these are the facts:
- my family is 7,000 miles away.
- God is good.
- No one speaks my language.
- God has called me here.
- This moment hurts.
- His mercies are new every morning.

He loves the people of Japan and no matter my emotion, he deserves my every breath. Even if I had to leave my family a million times, give up my friends over and over, and learn every language there is it still would not be enough to repay Him for what He has done for me. Because it isn’t about me or what I can do. It’s simply about Him and His glory.

So I’ll lay here and trust that I’ll find family, friends, and memories here and I’ll cling to the mercy that will come tomorrow and the hope that I have for all eternity.

My "Home"

                                                  

One of the things that I was most afraid of was leaving my family. I had this mental image in my head of us arriving at the airport and me just lying on the ground saying “No! I cannot do this. I will not do this.” But somehow, I’m sitting here almost 5 days later in my apartment in Japan. I did it.. but not on my own. That morning was tough, and I’m thankful that it’s over with. But I can say that the Spirit of God literally picked me up and carried me through that airport, through TSA, through the 15 hour flight, and all the way into this country. This country that is seeking Hope. This country filled with 127 million people that He loves so very much.

A verse that was given to me just a few days before I left was John 14: 24, “Jesus answered him, ‘If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.’” The comfort in those few words is more than I can describe. The thing I feared most, leaving my family (my home), began to fade away as I realized this promise that was given to me from Jesus himself. Wherever I am, I’m at home because I have the Father andthe Son abiding with me through the Spirit. God is making His home with me. Currently that looks like me waking up every morning begging Him to reveal himself so that I know I’m not alone in this land 7,000 miles from comfort. It looks like simple glimpses of Grace that get me through the dark hours of the night when I wake up and begin to say… “Oh no.. I’m alone.” When I know that truly I am not. 

Over these past few days I have experienced the grace and comfort that comes only from a relationship with my Lord Jesus Christ. He has enabled me to conquer every new thing and all of the ups and downs of this transition. It is not easy… actually it’s very difficult. But every morning I awaken and say, “We did it God! We survived yesterday… now help me to thrive today!” I’ll probably try to look back and forget about each emotion I have experienced through this process… but the one thing I will not forgetis the peace and grace that has been lavished upon me. God is good and if we keep His word (declare his name to all people) He comes to us, THIS GOD OF THE UNIVERSE COMES TO US! And He makes His home WITH US! What a promise, and since we know God doesn’t lie we can count fully on that promise to be fulfilled. I am living proof that it is being fulfilled day by day. Praise Him!

Perfect Love

I found myself startled awake from the dream I had just experienced. It was a vivid dream, one that I will never be able to forget but once that I will forever choose to not think on. It was nearing 2:00am, I only figured this out after several minutes with my head buried under my comforter, for the fear had paralyzed me there. My first thought was, 

“this is not real…” 

but then I quickly realized, while only a dream, the fear and the enemy behind the fear were very real, almost tangible My second thought came just as quickly,

 “Speak His Name, say it out loud! Now!” 

But the dream lingered, still so fresh and the fear hovered, still so tangible, and I could not even speak. Again, I had never experienced such a fear that even my mouth felt glued shut. The comforter still hadn’t been pulled back nor my eyes forced open. 

He was gaining on me, that evil enemy and his scare tactics. But as my mind started to clear up a bit, I began to say His Name over and over. The Name that is above all other names, the Name that was present before the beginning, and the Name that has conquered at the end. 

Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus. 

The Name that hears us in our fears.

The fear was still present, it hadn’t magically disappeared. But Fear itself also heard the Name of his Conqueror, Jesus Christ, who rendered the enemy completely powerless. After a few moments of crying His Name into the darkness, I reached for the lamp beside my bed.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Still completely submerged under the covers, I flicked the light on and it brought a sense of relief. 

The enemy loves the dark it’s where he thrives, in those moments where light is nowhere to be found there he is. But one tiny lamp, one small scared voice crying out the Name that created light, and darkness flees. 

I began to feel peace, a peace that I haven’t experienced before that moment. This peace brought clarity into my confusion. I still felt fear, but I had enough clarifying peace to assemble my armor and march on. 

His perfect, all-consuming, never-ending Love had cast Fear from my room and my presence. Now it was up to me to fight back with the armor he had given. Little did I know that this feeling deep within the pit of my stomach would linger… for hours into the night and into the morning. I prayed that sunrise would come. 

Oh God, send it soon.

 I knew He was protecting me, but the reality is that we battle against things we can’t explain or see, and until we step into Glory that will always be the case. Fear had been cast out, but the lingering effects of the battle stayed with me. So I cried out again to the One who hears, remembering that He doesn’t lie and that all His promises are true.

“Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'”

“Do not fear, for I am with you;”… This is true, let me feel your presence.

“Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.” … Let me be focused on your face and nothing else.

“I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,”…God, I need your strength, give it to me now please.

“I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”… Let me feel the grip of your hand pulling me from this pit. 

And He did. He strengthened me, let me feel His presence, and refocused my eyes upon His face. 

This battle has only just begun and it has at the same time already been won. So I will trust in Him, even when fear crouches at my feet or when sleep doesn’t come until morning. Because He is good and His love that casts out fear endures forever.

Made Ready

The past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions. It’s almost as if I’m watching my life being played out on a movie screen and all I can do is watch it happen. I don’t have much control over anything and it’s oddly comforting. Actually, it’s extremely comforting. Every morning I wake up and beg Him for peace, fresh peace, to deal with everything that will come during that day; the peace He prepared in advance for the specific challenges and trials that may arise. And before I even have a chance to lift my head off of the pillow, He gives that peace and I grab it so quickly I almost feel greedy. But it’s all a part of His grace and so while I know I deserve none of it, I also know that it’s lavished upon me in the same breath. 

The night before I flew out, my family prayed over me, and God gave me this sweet revelation and this picture of what it would look like as this journey started. I sensed He was telling me that I needed Him to prepare me as a bride is prepared for her wedding day… although it may take a while, and her eyes may be on the “prize” of her husband awaiting her, this process of getting ready was extremely important! So, I told him, if He will graciously make me ready then I will take one step down the aisle every day until I finally reach that altar and forget everything surrounding me as I gaze into the face of my Savior. The altar where I lay everything down, all while gaining everything in return. The altar where a sinner becomes a called-out one. The altar where my life and all that had once defined me is a shadow of the past and all that is ahead of me lies in the hands of my maker, also standing at that altar with me. When I reach that place, having been made ready by His spirit, I will follow that God-man who laid his life down for me, I will follow Him into any region of the earth, to any people group, city, or nation. Because a bride made ready has nothing left to do except follow the man waiting to lead her at the altar. 

Training for me was something that I initially just viewed as a hill to climb before I began my mountaintop ascent on the field. However, I do not suggest that mindset. The only way I can describe it (keeping in mind that I am only a few days in) is being made “ready.” 

Not stronger, or more Holy, not being made a better Christian or even being made into a different person. 

But simply being made ready. 

Ready for the trials and the triumphs. 

Ready for the joys and the sorrows.

Ready for the valleys and the mountaintops.

And ready for everything in between!

So for the next 7 weeks, my desire is that the Holy Spirit will make me ready, however that may look like. It may be tough or it may be exciting or it may be sad. But whatever it is, I know that He is waiting for me at that altar and that makes it all worth it. 

Revelation 19:7

Let us rejoice and celebrate and give Him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and His bride has made herself ready.