Made Ready

The past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions. It’s almost as if I’m watching my life being played out on a movie screen and all I can do is watch it happen. I don’t have much control over anything and it’s oddly comforting. Actually, it’s extremely comforting. Every morning I wake up and beg Him for peace, fresh peace, to deal with everything that will come during that day; the peace He prepared in advance for the specific challenges and trials that may arise. And before I even have a chance to lift my head off of the pillow, He gives that peace and I grab it so quickly I almost feel greedy. But it’s all a part of His grace and so while I know I deserve none of it, I also know that it’s lavished upon me in the same breath. 

The night before I flew out, my family prayed over me, and God gave me this sweet revelation and this picture of what it would look like as this journey started. I sensed He was telling me that I needed Him to prepare me as a bride is prepared for her wedding day… although it may take a while, and her eyes may be on the “prize” of her husband awaiting her, this process of getting ready was extremely important! So, I told him, if He will graciously make me ready then I will take one step down the aisle every day until I finally reach that altar and forget everything surrounding me as I gaze into the face of my Savior. The altar where I lay everything down, all while gaining everything in return. The altar where a sinner becomes a called-out one. The altar where my life and all that had once defined me is a shadow of the past and all that is ahead of me lies in the hands of my maker, also standing at that altar with me. When I reach that place, having been made ready by His spirit, I will follow that God-man who laid his life down for me, I will follow Him into any region of the earth, to any people group, city, or nation. Because a bride made ready has nothing left to do except follow the man waiting to lead her at the altar. 

Training for me was something that I initially just viewed as a hill to climb before I began my mountaintop ascent on the field. However, I do not suggest that mindset. The only way I can describe it (keeping in mind that I am only a few days in) is being made “ready.” 

Not stronger, or more Holy, not being made a better Christian or even being made into a different person. 

But simply being made ready. 

Ready for the trials and the triumphs. 

Ready for the joys and the sorrows.

Ready for the valleys and the mountaintops.

And ready for everything in between!

So for the next 7 weeks, my desire is that the Holy Spirit will make me ready, however that may look like. It may be tough or it may be exciting or it may be sad. But whatever it is, I know that He is waiting for me at that altar and that makes it all worth it. 

Revelation 19:7

Let us rejoice and celebrate and give Him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and His bride has made herself ready.

Only One Tunic

As I pull away from my little church I can feel the tears run down my face. Tears of sadness and joy. Tears of pain and celebration. 

As I sit there next to my dad, the realization hits that next Father’s day I’ll be relying on the embrace of my Heavenly Father instead of my earthly one. I feel my stomach twist in anguish because of what I’m leaving behind and excitement for of what I’m running towards. 

As I see my mom’s tears I know that my choice is causing her pain and pride because she knows that this calling is straight from Heaven itself. And there’s unending peace in our waves of grief... I’ve learned that both can be present at the same time. 

In Mark 6, Jesus commands those he sends out:

“He charged them to take nothing for their journey except a staff—no bread, no bag, no money in their belts— but to wear sandals and not put on two tunics.”

Mark 6:8-9 

Jesus does not want my possessions, my creations, or my money. All he wants is my complete trust, absolute devotion, and unending adoration. I’m learning the absolute reality of not “putting on two tunics” every single day. Sometimes it looks like saying that final goodbye, or crying with the friends that don’t know how to walk through this season with me, or hugging my mom while she realizes this is another “last” thing she will do with me. There is no need of anything or anyone except Jesus himself, not even an extra pair of clothes. For when He calls, He demands our all. 

This surrender is difficult, and at times it even seems silly that I leave all of these “good things” behind. But I can say that the joy of seeing His glory, the sweet moments of feeling His peace, and the joy that comes from His strength is worth every single thing I’m leaving. All I desire is for my life to reflect the Glory of my God like Moses’ face after the Lord passed by Him. But desiring that comes with a cost, and every day the cost becomes even greater but even more worth it. 

It Is Not Easy...

April 3, 2018

The gut-wrenching, stomach turning feeling comes in waves. It is like the feeling you get when you know something new is about to happen, but there is no clear view of what that new thing will look like. Or  like the feeling you get when you know you’re about to lose something, or maybe that you’ve already lost it. But nevertheless, the feeling is there. It’s real. And it isn’t glamorous or exciting, actually it really hurts.

I feel as though when people ask about this new season, that they think the decision was easy, or as my friend Whitney put it “they think we have not counted the cost.” But this is not true. It’s actually quite the opposite. This decision that I, and about 120 others, are making is probably the most difficult, heartbreaking, uncomfortable decision of our lives. Speaking for myself, I understand that I am leaving my family to go to a land that is completely foreign. I know that I will be living alone unless God sees fit to send me a partner. I am completely aware that I will be the minority, I will be the one that cannot communicate, and that all the while I will be the one that is trying to communicate something that could change the eternity of the person in front of me.  I understand that my life will look drastically different than most people my age, I will not be making a lot of money, nor will I be married with 1 kids and have a steady career by the age of 23. I know that I am causing my family extreme pain, I understand that I am leaving friends behind knowing full-well that I will miss important things in their lives, like weddings, and babies, and major milestones. I am not blind to any of these things, instead all of these facts are like blazing hot bullets firing through my brain at any given second. I’m living many “lasts” these days. My “last” time to serve with my pastor and staff. My “last” Easter, Christmas, birthday. My “last” kids ministry event or lunch with a friend. None of these are easy, in fact this is one of the most challenging seasons of my life.

This price is real. The cost is high. But my God is worth it.

He is worth the all of the “lasts.”

He is worth leaving my mother and father and sister which I love more than life itself.

He is worth the 6,708 miles between me and a hug from my friends or family.

He is worth the language barrier and the foreign atmosphere.

He is worth the loss of the “American Dream” (and in fact, he is SO MUCH BETTER than that.)

He is worth the pain that my family is experiencing.

He is worth my life and all of my breath.

So, please do not think that this decision was easy, it never will be easy. But the cause of Christ is worth the price and I am more than willing to pay that price.  Not in my own power, or through my own ability, but simply because he has called me, and what more could I say but “Yes, Father. I am willing, because YOU are WORTH IT.”

In-Between

February 7, 2018:

“Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long.” – Psalm 25:5

Patience is not something that comes natural to me, not even in the slightest. I understand the concept of it and how it should work, but actually producing patience in my life is extremely difficult. As a result, I often view my life as many seasons of “in-betweens.” Whether it’s in-between events, in-between opportunities, in-between trips, or even just in-between meals, I am constantly looking for what comes next and not so patiently waiting for it. Currently I am in what is probably the biggest “in-between” of my entire life. I’m living in America, working at my church, and trying to teach myself a language; however, I’m waiting to quit my job at church, move to Japan, and leave my family for 24 months. Each of those things from learning a language to leaving my family for 2 years is such a polar opposite from the other that I’m not sure how to be patient during the middle of the two extremes.

Yet, God in His infinite grace is molding me every single second of every single day into the image of His son. This takes lots of work for Him as He is slowly removing things that have hindered me, such as sins and selfish worldly desires, from coming closer to Him. While this seems like a process that we all should desire as Children of God, it is much more painful and raw in reality than it is on paper. When the God of all creation steps into someone’s heart and begins to tear sinful desires, selfish motives, and apathetic feelings out, everything within their flesh cries out against that process. However, the Spirit that lives in me fights just as hard against my flesh and if there is one thing that I am confident in, it is that His Spirit will always win against my flesh however painful the fight may be. The “in-between” that I find myself in every day lately, is becoming sweeter and more Holy. Because, God is teaching me that my entire life on this earth is an in-between moment. I’m in between my first breath, and what my spirit and soul were actually created for: eternal communion within the Glorious Grace of the Father.

My salvation comes from Him and the waiting is the sweetest part of that, because I know exactly what I’m waiting for and that is HIM. What happens next in this realm is just a stepping stone on the narrow road that ends in worship at His feet and that is such a beautiful hope to have. So my “in-between” is becoming a place where God is teaching me patience and giving me hope for what is to come.

Tired of the Gospel?

Tired is often used in my daily vocabulary. I don't know if the word "no" is used as often as it should be.

Ministry fills most of my breaths and conversations, most of my seconds and minutes, which has always been my dream.

Yet, I'm always tired.

Am I tired of the gospel?

No, quite the opposite.

I'm tired from the gospel.

My tiredness is not wasted, it is the fruit of a day that was spent for the glory of Jesus.

Am I a saint because of it?

Quite the opposite again... my weakness is especially exposed in ministry. It is a mirror that portrays my ugliness so that Christ can mold me and shape me.

Ministry shows me how big of a sinner I am but it also shows me how much greater a God I serve.

I am so very tired from the gospel, and I would not have it any other way. I want every waking moment of every day to be spent for Christ, and if I am not tired then I hope to push more, to fall into His glory more, to praise Him all the more.

For we should never tire of the gospel, but we should be tired from it. 

Where You are, there I'll be

Comfort has surrounded me, 

it has followed me through many places in my life always beckoning me 

to give into its pleasures and apathy.

Yet, God is rapidly surrounding me with new places where comfort cannot reach.

This is beautiful, this is good, and this is frightening.

This is where He resides.

Following Yeshua is something that comfort doesn't connect with,  because his path is radical and requires faith.

Comfort hates faith.

Where He is, is where I'll be.

Those places are filled with father-less parents and broken families.

He is in the places that seem unsafe or bound to evil because of the lack of Light and Truth.

Jesus resides in the places of inadequacy because His name is made greater.

His places are also filled with snippets of Grace that abound in glorious ways because comfort isn't holding Grace back.

My life is filled with newness and abundance, inadequacy and discomfort, but it is where He is.

So that's where I'll be.

Adultery Meets Majesty

Caught.

She is caught in her act of lustfulness with someone other than her husband. Ripped out of the bed and away from the person who she was giving herself over to, she is being dragged down the streets to be judged.

Her mind was not on her commitment she had made to her husband and to God. Her mind was on something she wanted badly, something that would interfere with her commitments.

The “holy” teachers who have dragged her here, throw her in front of Him.

No. Please not Yeshua. She knows this man, this teacher. He is the one whose words are like no other. But of course He knows the law, of course He knows her penalty.

The “holy” ones ask Him to pronounce judgment on her. They want her stoned. She deserves to be stone.
 She knows that this is the right penalty, this is what she must pay for her sin. She looks at Yeshua drawing in the dust, ignoring these teachers of the law.

He stops drawing.
Her heart drops.

He looks up at them, “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.”

He looks back down, begins to draw again.

Her heart swells when she realizes what Yeshua just did.
Her heart continues to pound just like the sound of the stones falling to the ground. Everyone of them dropped their judgement stone and left her.

She stands still.

Oh, but Yeshua is still there.

And in that moment she realizes something horrifying.
He is able to cast the stone. This man is without blemish, without sin.

He stands up and looks at her. She refuses to meet his piercing gaze for she knows the judgement that will meet her. 

“Where are they,” Yeshua’s smooth voice breaks the quiet “has no one condemned you?”

Her eyes meet His and she sees grace, something that she has never seen before. Mercy flowing from this man, this Yeshua.

She replies, “No one, sir.”

In that moment she remembers her broken commitment, and she decides to remake it. She commits herself to glory. Her life belongs to Him.

He could have thrown the stone.

 But instead these words of endless grace flow from His lips, “Then neither do I condemn you, go now and leave your life of sin.”

From that moment her life was never the same.

One moment of discovering majesty changed her.

One second in the presence of Yeshua restored her.