3…
My flight was very early the next morning and I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to sleep... but His grace was sufficient once again and I slept for a couple of hours. When my alarm went off my stomach was in knots but I just begged the Lord to carry me, to literally make my feet move... and He did. I walked out of my house, not thinking about how long it would be before I walked back through that door again, I knew those thoughts weren’t healthy and I didn’t have time for them. I could only handle one second at a time. On the ride down to the airport my family and I didn’t say much. I just kept trying to reassure them that I was ok. There are lots of logistical things that are a part of traveling and my mind just went into “airplane” mode as I tried to make sure I had everything I needed. It’s a little different when you have to pack to literally move your life overseas instead of just a quick trip... I wouldn’t be near a Walmart for quite some time and I knew I needed to make sure I had everything I needed.
This part is probably the hardest to write... because it’s contains all of my fears bottled up into several moments that I am happy to never have to re-live. Don’t get me wrong, I learned a lot, but I don’t ever want to feel that way again.
When we arrived at the airport I walked to the counter with my cart of luggage that was literally too big for me to see over the top and checked in... as I grabbed that ticket I realized it was one-way.
“Destination is Tokyo, correct?”
“Yes.”
“How long?”
I turned to look at my dad, as if He could swoop in and fix this fear that I felt and the knot grew bigger in my stomach “Umm... two years. I’m actually moving there.”
I got my ticket and we sat on some benches for just a bit when I realized I didn’t want to sit there for long... it hurt too much to draw it out. I hadn’t cried... and I wouldn’t. Not until many hours after I arrived to Japan, not until I was alone and I was sure my grief wouldn’t hurt anyone else. But the hardest part about leaving was made real as I hugged my mom goodbye. She could hardly look at me as I walked to give her a hug right before I went through security. Nothing was said except a simple “I love you” and she hugged me and walked away, out of sight.
There aren’t words to describe the way it feels knowing that my choices, no matter how honorable, are hurting the ones I love. I told her I loved her right before she walked away and I hugged my sister, she was strong as she held me, and told me “you can do this.” Finally, I walked towards security with my dad… he walked with me every step that he could and he hugged me as tight as he always has. I knew that where he had to let go of my hand, my Heavenly Father would have to grab ahold of it and lead me the rest of the way. I still didn’t cry, because I knew that if I started it would hurt my family even more. I looked back one last time to see my dad standing there to ensure that I made it through TSA safely and without any issues. I didn’t see my mom, I knew it was too hard for her to watch me walk away. My team leader told me before I left, “Christ will protect those that are effected by your obedience, you are only called to obey.” I was clinging to the fact that he would protect me as he carried my parents and sister as well.
I was always afraid to leave my family... even when I would travel for a week or two I was afraid of taking off. I thought that by leaving them behind I was showing that I didn’t care enough to stay. And now, I wasn’t just going on a short trip, I was asking them to let me go for two years. My fears of hurting them came true... this was painful for them, more than I could probably realize. But it was happening and Christ had asked us, called us, to live through these moments.
I made it through security and bought a bagel as I sat there by the window and watched the sun rise. Which is usually one of my favorite things to do. I would wake up before the sun most mornings back home just so I could enjoy that quiet moment with Jesus before the world woke up. But I remember thinking I didn’t want the sun to rise on this day, it was one that I just wanted to skip altogether. I didn’t actually eat, it was just something natural for me to do, something to make this weird moment feel “normal.” I text my parents as soon as I made it through security to check on them. They told me that Christ was comforting them just as he was me. But His comfort doesn’t necessarily take the pain away, his comfort just became bigger than the fear. The panic and turmoil in my spirit simply brought me deeper into His peace. These moments revealed to me where my hope was and now it could be in nothing except Him because He was all I had. As the flight boarded my feet just kept moving, I expected at any moment for them to simply stop, but miraculously the Lord carried me through. He knew I needed some humor in my day and so in the Atlanta airport my carry-on luggage was accidentally knocked down an escalator and rolled the entire way down ultimately almost hitting a man at the bottom... I laughed, something I didn’t think would happen that day! But I’m thankful for that which brought a little bit of “funny” into this horribly long and tiring day.
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