When I Left: Part 4

4…

My flight was extremely long (about 15 hours) but I slept a little. I just remember thinking, “Focus on right now. Do not think about anything past right now.” When I made it to Japan I remember all the thoughts that tried to enter my mind, such as: 

You have 764 days left...

You can’t do this...

Your luggage is too much...

You’ve hurt your family...

They’ll never be the same... 

You’ll miss so much...

But as soon as any of those thoughts would enter I would just beg the Lord to take them away and I would repeat “don’t worry about tomorrow... only right now. I trust you Jesus, you are worth it.” I don’t know how many times I repeated that in my head... too many to even count, it was constantly flowing through my mind. 

When it came time to grab my luggage, no one helped me (sadly) but I pulled those 50lb. bags off of that thing that goes around and around (not sure of the technical name) and went through customs, still barely able to see over my luggage on the cart. As I came out my Team Leaders (who would quickly become my family) met me and hugged me. Tara said “welcome home sweet girl we love you and are so happy you’re here.” The next few moments consisted of getting my luggage to their car and finally just breathing in the air of this country that was now my home. I was too tired to process anything else... I think I fell asleep in the car but I honestly don’t remember. My team leaders told me that I could stay at their house for that first night if I wanted to, but I knew that if I didn’t go to my apartment and stay alone that first night I would never want to stay alone. And I knew that I would eventually need to have a hard moment of realization that this was my place. And I was here for good. When I pulled up to the apartment it looked so foreign. Nothing felt familiar. I walked into this place that was simply one small room... my leaders showed me how to turn my shower on, flush my toilet, and helped me to unpack my “bed”. All of those seem like things a semi-smart human should be able to figure out... but as I said, EVERYTHING was foreign. Even the bathroom... we realized I didn’t actually have a bed I only had a blanket which I wound up using as my bed for the first two weeks before I gave in and purchased a memory foam mattress cover which I folded up to make a small bed... 

*I used a beach towel that night as my blanket... actually I used that towel for the first 2 months as my blanket. All of those things just kind of happened, not because I wasn’t being taken care of, it just was the way things went for a bit. I didn’t even think twice about it. It was kind of like getting on that plane. I knew I had to do it and so I did... and he helped me through. I laughed about it all mostly because I thought it was kind of funny to sleep on the floor with a beach towel as a blanket.. YOLO. *

I finally took a shower after my team left my apartment... a cold one, because I didn’t have hot water for the first several days. And went to bed. I fell asleep for a few hours and woke up around 1am terrified. The enemy always attacks when we are weak, and for me that’s at nighttime. I woke up and thought “There’s no way I can do this, I can’t even make it through my first night.” So, I called one of my friends who was also about to leave for the field. She told me “Each new second will be easier. This is the hardest part so just remember that you never have to go back to it.” It wasn’t until that moment that I finally let myself cry... really cry. All of the feelings of excitement and fear, turmoil and triumph, I let it all out. And when I closed my eyes I saw my parent’s faces and heard my sister’s words over and over again... The next morning I woke up and began my new life only having two goals for the first several weeks 1) find something positive in the morning and 2) find something positive in the evening. My quiet times with the Lord were what pushed me through each day and the Lord met me there on that futon in the tiny apartment. The place I was so terrified of (being alone) became my altar where I had to deny myself over and over again to experience the filling of His Spirit and the immensity of His peace. 

As I sit here now I’m surrounded by friends, who are now family, as we study and worship together. It’s home now and all of those hard moments were worth it, I wouldn’t trade them for anything because Christ became my all in all. He walked with me and spoke to me and comforted me in ways that I had never experienced before. 

When I Left: Part 3

3…

My flight was very early the next morning and I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to sleep... but His grace was sufficient once again and I slept for a couple of hours. When my alarm went off my stomach was in knots but I just begged the Lord to carry me, to literally make my feet move... and He did. I walked out of my house, not thinking about how long it would be before I walked back through that door again, I knew those thoughts weren’t healthy and I didn’t have time for them. I could only handle one second at a time. On the ride down to the airport my family and I didn’t say much. I just kept trying to reassure them that I was ok. There are lots of logistical things that are a part of traveling and my mind just went into “airplane” mode as I tried to make sure I had everything I needed. It’s a little different when you have to pack to literally move your life overseas instead of just a quick trip... I wouldn’t be near a Walmart for quite some time and I knew I needed to make sure I had everything I needed. 

This part is probably the hardest to write... because it’s contains all of my fears bottled up into several moments that I am happy to never have to re-live. Don’t get me wrong, I learned a lot, but I don’t ever want to feel that way again. 

When we arrived at the airport I walked to the counter with my cart of luggage that was literally too big for me to see over the top and checked in... as I grabbed that ticket I realized it was one-way.  

“Destination is Tokyo, correct?” 

“Yes.”

“How long?” 

I turned to look at my dad, as if He could swoop in and fix this fear that I felt and the knot grew bigger in my stomach “Umm... two years. I’m actually moving there.” 

I got my ticket and we sat on some benches for just a bit when I realized I didn’t want to sit there for long... it hurt too much to draw it out. I hadn’t cried... and I wouldn’t. Not until many hours after I arrived to Japan, not until I was alone and I was sure my grief wouldn’t hurt anyone else. But the hardest part about leaving was made real as I hugged my mom goodbye. She could hardly look at me as I walked to give her a hug right before I went through security. Nothing was said except a simple “I love you” and she hugged me and walked away, out of sight. 

There aren’t words to describe the way it feels knowing that my choices, no matter how honorable, are hurting the ones I love. I told her I loved her right before she walked away and I hugged my sister, she was strong as she held me, and told me “you can do this.” Finally, I walked towards security with my dad… he walked with me every step that he could and he hugged me as tight as he always has. I knew that where he had to let go of my hand, my Heavenly Father would have to grab ahold of it and lead me the rest of the way. I still didn’t cry, because I knew that if I started it would hurt my family even more. I looked back one last time to see my dad standing there to ensure that I made it through TSA safely and without any issues. I didn’t see my mom, I knew it was too hard for her to watch me walk away. My team leader told me before I left, “Christ will protect those that are effected by your obedience, you are only called to obey.” I was clinging to the fact that he would protect me as he carried my parents and sister as well. 

 I was always afraid to leave my family... even when I would travel for a week or two I was afraid of taking off. I thought that by leaving them behind I was showing that I didn’t care enough to stay. And now, I wasn’t just going on a short trip, I was asking them to let me go for two years. My fears of hurting them came true... this was painful for them, more than I could probably realize. But it was happening and Christ had asked us, called us, to live through these moments. 

I made it through security and bought a bagel as I sat there by the window and watched the sun rise. Which is usually one of my favorite things to do. I would wake up before the sun most mornings back home just so I could enjoy that quiet moment with Jesus before the world woke up. But I remember thinking I didn’t want the sun to rise on this day, it was one that I just wanted to skip altogether. I didn’t actually eat, it was just something natural for me to do, something to make this weird moment feel “normal.” I text my parents as soon as I made it through security to check on them. They told me that Christ was comforting them just as he was me. But His comfort doesn’t necessarily take the pain away, his comfort just became bigger than the fear. The panic and turmoil in my spirit simply brought me deeper into His peace. These moments revealed to me where my hope was and now it could be in nothing except Him because He was all I had. As the flight boarded my feet just kept moving, I expected at any moment for them to simply stop, but miraculously the Lord carried me through. He knew I needed some humor in my day and so in the Atlanta airport my carry-on luggage was accidentally knocked down an escalator and rolled the entire way down ultimately almost hitting a man at the bottom... I laughed, something I didn’t think would happen that day! But I’m thankful for that which brought a little bit of “funny” into this horribly long and tiring day.