My "Home"

                                                  

One of the things that I was most afraid of was leaving my family. I had this mental image in my head of us arriving at the airport and me just lying on the ground saying “No! I cannot do this. I will not do this.” But somehow, I’m sitting here almost 5 days later in my apartment in Japan. I did it.. but not on my own. That morning was tough, and I’m thankful that it’s over with. But I can say that the Spirit of God literally picked me up and carried me through that airport, through TSA, through the 15 hour flight, and all the way into this country. This country that is seeking Hope. This country filled with 127 million people that He loves so very much.

A verse that was given to me just a few days before I left was John 14: 24, “Jesus answered him, ‘If anyone loves me, he will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.’” The comfort in those few words is more than I can describe. The thing I feared most, leaving my family (my home), began to fade away as I realized this promise that was given to me from Jesus himself. Wherever I am, I’m at home because I have the Father andthe Son abiding with me through the Spirit. God is making His home with me. Currently that looks like me waking up every morning begging Him to reveal himself so that I know I’m not alone in this land 7,000 miles from comfort. It looks like simple glimpses of Grace that get me through the dark hours of the night when I wake up and begin to say… “Oh no.. I’m alone.” When I know that truly I am not. 

Over these past few days I have experienced the grace and comfort that comes only from a relationship with my Lord Jesus Christ. He has enabled me to conquer every new thing and all of the ups and downs of this transition. It is not easy… actually it’s very difficult. But every morning I awaken and say, “We did it God! We survived yesterday… now help me to thrive today!” I’ll probably try to look back and forget about each emotion I have experienced through this process… but the one thing I will not forgetis the peace and grace that has been lavished upon me. God is good and if we keep His word (declare his name to all people) He comes to us, THIS GOD OF THE UNIVERSE COMES TO US! And He makes His home WITH US! What a promise, and since we know God doesn’t lie we can count fully on that promise to be fulfilled. I am living proof that it is being fulfilled day by day. Praise Him!

Perfect Love

I found myself startled awake from the dream I had just experienced. It was a vivid dream, one that I will never be able to forget but once that I will forever choose to not think on. It was nearing 2:00am, I only figured this out after several minutes with my head buried under my comforter, for the fear had paralyzed me there. My first thought was, 

“this is not real…” 

but then I quickly realized, while only a dream, the fear and the enemy behind the fear were very real, almost tangible My second thought came just as quickly,

 “Speak His Name, say it out loud! Now!” 

But the dream lingered, still so fresh and the fear hovered, still so tangible, and I could not even speak. Again, I had never experienced such a fear that even my mouth felt glued shut. The comforter still hadn’t been pulled back nor my eyes forced open. 

He was gaining on me, that evil enemy and his scare tactics. But as my mind started to clear up a bit, I began to say His Name over and over. The Name that is above all other names, the Name that was present before the beginning, and the Name that has conquered at the end. 

Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus. 

The Name that hears us in our fears.

The fear was still present, it hadn’t magically disappeared. But Fear itself also heard the Name of his Conqueror, Jesus Christ, who rendered the enemy completely powerless. After a few moments of crying His Name into the darkness, I reached for the lamp beside my bed.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Still completely submerged under the covers, I flicked the light on and it brought a sense of relief. 

The enemy loves the dark it’s where he thrives, in those moments where light is nowhere to be found there he is. But one tiny lamp, one small scared voice crying out the Name that created light, and darkness flees. 

I began to feel peace, a peace that I haven’t experienced before that moment. This peace brought clarity into my confusion. I still felt fear, but I had enough clarifying peace to assemble my armor and march on. 

His perfect, all-consuming, never-ending Love had cast Fear from my room and my presence. Now it was up to me to fight back with the armor he had given. Little did I know that this feeling deep within the pit of my stomach would linger… for hours into the night and into the morning. I prayed that sunrise would come. 

Oh God, send it soon.

 I knew He was protecting me, but the reality is that we battle against things we can’t explain or see, and until we step into Glory that will always be the case. Fear had been cast out, but the lingering effects of the battle stayed with me. So I cried out again to the One who hears, remembering that He doesn’t lie and that all His promises are true.

“Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'”

“Do not fear, for I am with you;”… This is true, let me feel your presence.

“Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.” … Let me be focused on your face and nothing else.

“I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,”…God, I need your strength, give it to me now please.

“I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”… Let me feel the grip of your hand pulling me from this pit. 

And He did. He strengthened me, let me feel His presence, and refocused my eyes upon His face. 

This battle has only just begun and it has at the same time already been won. So I will trust in Him, even when fear crouches at my feet or when sleep doesn’t come until morning. Because He is good and His love that casts out fear endures forever.

Made Ready

The past few days have been a whirlwind of emotions. It’s almost as if I’m watching my life being played out on a movie screen and all I can do is watch it happen. I don’t have much control over anything and it’s oddly comforting. Actually, it’s extremely comforting. Every morning I wake up and beg Him for peace, fresh peace, to deal with everything that will come during that day; the peace He prepared in advance for the specific challenges and trials that may arise. And before I even have a chance to lift my head off of the pillow, He gives that peace and I grab it so quickly I almost feel greedy. But it’s all a part of His grace and so while I know I deserve none of it, I also know that it’s lavished upon me in the same breath. 

The night before I flew out, my family prayed over me, and God gave me this sweet revelation and this picture of what it would look like as this journey started. I sensed He was telling me that I needed Him to prepare me as a bride is prepared for her wedding day… although it may take a while, and her eyes may be on the “prize” of her husband awaiting her, this process of getting ready was extremely important! So, I told him, if He will graciously make me ready then I will take one step down the aisle every day until I finally reach that altar and forget everything surrounding me as I gaze into the face of my Savior. The altar where I lay everything down, all while gaining everything in return. The altar where a sinner becomes a called-out one. The altar where my life and all that had once defined me is a shadow of the past and all that is ahead of me lies in the hands of my maker, also standing at that altar with me. When I reach that place, having been made ready by His spirit, I will follow that God-man who laid his life down for me, I will follow Him into any region of the earth, to any people group, city, or nation. Because a bride made ready has nothing left to do except follow the man waiting to lead her at the altar. 

Training for me was something that I initially just viewed as a hill to climb before I began my mountaintop ascent on the field. However, I do not suggest that mindset. The only way I can describe it (keeping in mind that I am only a few days in) is being made “ready.” 

Not stronger, or more Holy, not being made a better Christian or even being made into a different person. 

But simply being made ready. 

Ready for the trials and the triumphs. 

Ready for the joys and the sorrows.

Ready for the valleys and the mountaintops.

And ready for everything in between!

So for the next 7 weeks, my desire is that the Holy Spirit will make me ready, however that may look like. It may be tough or it may be exciting or it may be sad. But whatever it is, I know that He is waiting for me at that altar and that makes it all worth it. 

Revelation 19:7

Let us rejoice and celebrate and give Him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and His bride has made herself ready.

Only One Tunic

As I pull away from my little church I can feel the tears run down my face. Tears of sadness and joy. Tears of pain and celebration. 

As I sit there next to my dad, the realization hits that next Father’s day I’ll be relying on the embrace of my Heavenly Father instead of my earthly one. I feel my stomach twist in anguish because of what I’m leaving behind and excitement for of what I’m running towards. 

As I see my mom’s tears I know that my choice is causing her pain and pride because she knows that this calling is straight from Heaven itself. And there’s unending peace in our waves of grief... I’ve learned that both can be present at the same time. 

In Mark 6, Jesus commands those he sends out:

“He charged them to take nothing for their journey except a staff—no bread, no bag, no money in their belts— but to wear sandals and not put on two tunics.”

Mark 6:8-9 

Jesus does not want my possessions, my creations, or my money. All he wants is my complete trust, absolute devotion, and unending adoration. I’m learning the absolute reality of not “putting on two tunics” every single day. Sometimes it looks like saying that final goodbye, or crying with the friends that don’t know how to walk through this season with me, or hugging my mom while she realizes this is another “last” thing she will do with me. There is no need of anything or anyone except Jesus himself, not even an extra pair of clothes. For when He calls, He demands our all. 

This surrender is difficult, and at times it even seems silly that I leave all of these “good things” behind. But I can say that the joy of seeing His glory, the sweet moments of feeling His peace, and the joy that comes from His strength is worth every single thing I’m leaving. All I desire is for my life to reflect the Glory of my God like Moses’ face after the Lord passed by Him. But desiring that comes with a cost, and every day the cost becomes even greater but even more worth it. 

It Is Not Easy...

April 3, 2018

The gut-wrenching, stomach turning feeling comes in waves. It is like the feeling you get when you know something new is about to happen, but there is no clear view of what that new thing will look like. Or  like the feeling you get when you know you’re about to lose something, or maybe that you’ve already lost it. But nevertheless, the feeling is there. It’s real. And it isn’t glamorous or exciting, actually it really hurts.

I feel as though when people ask about this new season, that they think the decision was easy, or as my friend Whitney put it “they think we have not counted the cost.” But this is not true. It’s actually quite the opposite. This decision that I, and about 120 others, are making is probably the most difficult, heartbreaking, uncomfortable decision of our lives. Speaking for myself, I understand that I am leaving my family to go to a land that is completely foreign. I know that I will be living alone unless God sees fit to send me a partner. I am completely aware that I will be the minority, I will be the one that cannot communicate, and that all the while I will be the one that is trying to communicate something that could change the eternity of the person in front of me.  I understand that my life will look drastically different than most people my age, I will not be making a lot of money, nor will I be married with 1 kids and have a steady career by the age of 23. I know that I am causing my family extreme pain, I understand that I am leaving friends behind knowing full-well that I will miss important things in their lives, like weddings, and babies, and major milestones. I am not blind to any of these things, instead all of these facts are like blazing hot bullets firing through my brain at any given second. I’m living many “lasts” these days. My “last” time to serve with my pastor and staff. My “last” Easter, Christmas, birthday. My “last” kids ministry event or lunch with a friend. None of these are easy, in fact this is one of the most challenging seasons of my life.

This price is real. The cost is high. But my God is worth it.

He is worth the all of the “lasts.”

He is worth leaving my mother and father and sister which I love more than life itself.

He is worth the 6,708 miles between me and a hug from my friends or family.

He is worth the language barrier and the foreign atmosphere.

He is worth the loss of the “American Dream” (and in fact, he is SO MUCH BETTER than that.)

He is worth the pain that my family is experiencing.

He is worth my life and all of my breath.

So, please do not think that this decision was easy, it never will be easy. But the cause of Christ is worth the price and I am more than willing to pay that price.  Not in my own power, or through my own ability, but simply because he has called me, and what more could I say but “Yes, Father. I am willing, because YOU are WORTH IT.”

In-Between

February 7, 2018:

“Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long.” – Psalm 25:5

Patience is not something that comes natural to me, not even in the slightest. I understand the concept of it and how it should work, but actually producing patience in my life is extremely difficult. As a result, I often view my life as many seasons of “in-betweens.” Whether it’s in-between events, in-between opportunities, in-between trips, or even just in-between meals, I am constantly looking for what comes next and not so patiently waiting for it. Currently I am in what is probably the biggest “in-between” of my entire life. I’m living in America, working at my church, and trying to teach myself a language; however, I’m waiting to quit my job at church, move to Japan, and leave my family for 24 months. Each of those things from learning a language to leaving my family for 2 years is such a polar opposite from the other that I’m not sure how to be patient during the middle of the two extremes.

Yet, God in His infinite grace is molding me every single second of every single day into the image of His son. This takes lots of work for Him as He is slowly removing things that have hindered me, such as sins and selfish worldly desires, from coming closer to Him. While this seems like a process that we all should desire as Children of God, it is much more painful and raw in reality than it is on paper. When the God of all creation steps into someone’s heart and begins to tear sinful desires, selfish motives, and apathetic feelings out, everything within their flesh cries out against that process. However, the Spirit that lives in me fights just as hard against my flesh and if there is one thing that I am confident in, it is that His Spirit will always win against my flesh however painful the fight may be. The “in-between” that I find myself in every day lately, is becoming sweeter and more Holy. Because, God is teaching me that my entire life on this earth is an in-between moment. I’m in between my first breath, and what my spirit and soul were actually created for: eternal communion within the Glorious Grace of the Father.

My salvation comes from Him and the waiting is the sweetest part of that, because I know exactly what I’m waiting for and that is HIM. What happens next in this realm is just a stepping stone on the narrow road that ends in worship at His feet and that is such a beautiful hope to have. So my “in-between” is becoming a place where God is teaching me patience and giving me hope for what is to come.