When I left: Part 2

2…
After the 7 weeks I came home for two weeks to pack, prepare, and soak up every second with my family. What I didn’t know is that for the first week of my “break” at home my family was planning a surprise party and so lots of times it seemed as if they were too busy to just spend time with me. But I’m thankful for that special gift they gave me because I was able to tell everyone I loved “goodbye.”

Many people say “This isn’t goodbye, this is just see you soon!” And while that may be comforting to say... I felt the weight of each goodbye as it came out of my mouth. Every time I said it, my heart broke just a little bit more. Yet, even in those hard goodbyes, I felt Christ’s peace. He didn’t “stitch up” my broken heart... because the pain I felt with each time I said that hard word showed me how many people God gave me the opportunity to love. Instead He simply held me in His arms... broken heart and all.

After that event was over I was able to spend more time with my family and those closest to me. I had lunch with my mom while running errands, spent time with my dad as we talked on the back porch, and enjoyed every moment with my sister that I possibly could. I soaked in every last sunset and all of the green grass that surrounded me... because I knew those two things would be harder to find in my new city.

My last Wednesday at church hurt more than I imagined and as I said goodbye to the people that literally changed the course of my life I felt like God was asking too much. I hugged a lady who I felt cared about me as much as her own daughter, Mrs. Karen Matthews.. and I cried into her shoulder saying over and over again “This is too hard. It hurts too much.” And she just hugged me even tighter as I spoke the words I hadn’t been willing to say. I felt like if I said “I can’t do this” it would mean that I wouldn’t do it... but that wasn’t true. I honestly could not do this... Christ would HAVE to do it for me. I had no faith in myself but only in Him. I was not sufficient for this job but He would prove Himself true and equip me to do the work that He had called me to do. As I walked away from that church and tears rolled down my face, Taylor (my pastor’s wife), Brittany (my closest friend), and two kids from my kid’s ministry followed me out. They stopped me before I got into my car and prayed over me... it gave me the courage I needed to get into my car and drive home from the Matthews community of Laurel, Mississippi one last time. I cried the whole way home, praising God for all that he had given me through serving at that church and questioning why I had to leave. I realized that faith and fear weren’t necessarily enemies. My fear was growing my faith, I just had to choose which would rule in my mind and heart.

The next day was my last day at home. I finished packing with each movement feeling robotic as I was checking things off of my to-do list and packing my life away for the next two years. It felt as if someone was forcing me to keep going. Now I know that Christ was protecting my mind from thinking too much and instead He just helped me to function as normal as possible that last day at home. I expected to totally freak out and end up locking myself in my room refusing to leave my home... but that never happened. It was only by His grace. As I looked at those two duffel bags, a backpack, and two pieces of luggage I just remember thinking “How on earth will I get this through security all by myself?” But Christ would prove sufficient even in that. The last night at home my dad and I made fried shrimp (my favorite) and we had dinner with my pastor and his wife... it was calm, quiet, and just what my heart needed.